Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Some thoughts before going to sleep tonight.

I really debated about posting that last blog entry - both before posting and since.  I've decided to leave it here - it's honestly exactly how I felt and it really helped to write it out.

I tend to hold things in and put on a good front - not let anyone know I'm hurting - it's just to painful to face up to your pain sometimes.  It reminds me of the song Twila Paris from a long time ago:
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet


This song has been going through my head all evening - this is so where/who I am.

It also was so helpful to get in touch with my dear husband as I would have had trouble putting my thoughts and emotions into words coherently.  I've been crying out to God most of the evening, and He has orchestrated some really special things tonight to help settle my soul.

I was able to have a good talk with some of the nurses tonight, and that was really good for me - we didn't really talk about Esther's care much, just it was good to talk with them about anything at all - you know, human contact!

One things that made my day was the surprising help from the receptionist at my chiropractor, Geri - yesterday she brought me some travel neck pillows because I mentioned that when I am pumping, I get a sore neck as I can't rest my head - she said she lived near the hospital and to call me if I wasn't able to get mine from home - I didn't call her (I didn't get mine either) but she showed up with two pillows for me!  And today when I was at the chiropractors, she said that if I ever needed anything, to just give her a call - so when I wasn't able to get the herbs I needed, and it looked like I'd not be able to get them until tomorrow, I called her and she was more than willing to go and get them for me and bring them to me!  What a blessing!

Also, I had an unexpected visit from one of my newest seamstresses - and she spoiled me with a wonderful salad (my favorite kind - chef salad), some delicious looking soup and other treats for me - it was so thoughtful!  I'm looking forward to some middle of the night good eating thanks to Kaisha!

I also had a bunch of voice mail (I left my phone where I couldn't answer it for a while), and knew that my friends and family are concerned about me and praying for me.  I also checked for comments here and was so encouraged by the kind and caring people who posted tonight.

I feel like I've gotten a group hug - a great way to end a difficult and trying day.

Good night!


  1. Praise the Lord that you have found in Him your resting place. Thank you for being real and transparent, it helps your sisters in Christ know how to serve you better. Praise God for His supply of friends and support yesterday...He will give you what you need for today also. He hears you and knows all you need and as your good Father, He will lavish on you His grace and His best. May you see Him clearly today. We are praying!

  2. Here is the number for the Down Syndrome Outreach. The coordinator names Kristy Gillig, 715-0170 ext. 307. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

  3. Ruth, I've been thinking about you and praying for you and Esther a lot. I just can't imagine the ups and downs of all that you're dealing with. But I DO know a few things... (things that you know, too, but maybe it's good to be reminded of...). I know that our God is good. I know that He is behind and in and through every situation. I know that He loves you and Esther and your sweet family more than we'll ever know. And I know that everything is working together for your good and for the good of your family because you love Him - even if it doesn't always look like it!

    Oh, and I also know that Esther is so completely adorable that I get tears in my eyes when I look at her! Really, she's precious.

    Please know that there is someone who is holding you up to our Father on the other side of this country. Thanks for all of the updates...

  4. Ruth, You are an amazing mother and woman. All your efforts will be blessed ten fold. Hang in there and it will get better. You have a very strong family and they are there for you, as you know. It will get better with time. Esther, your beautiful little gift will be able to come home soon. And, you as a mother know what your baby needs! Keep the faith!!

    Your both in our prayers,

  5. I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. I had two NICU babies and know how draining it can be. I had a 90 day stay with my daughter and a 20 day stay with my son. I know that now it seems like things aren't progressing like they should but take heart and know that Ester will be home soon. Also I wanted to mention that some states have milk banks for NICU babies. They provide breast milk for babies whose mama's are having trouble producing. The milk is screened like blood to insure that it is safe. I donated when I had my kiddos, and thought it might be an option for you. Once again know that you are in my thoughts. -Stephanie