After each of my last few children, I've been asked this question!Â When I think about this question, I believe they are asking if I've reached the family size I wanted.
My answer is always, I really don't know!Â I have no idea if God will bless us with another child.Â At this point, I'm hoping and praying that we are finished with this phase of our life, but I really don't know!Â I do know that if it had been up to me, we would have been "done" several children ago!Â But when I look at the children God has blessed us with since then, I can't imagine life without them! Even Esther!
This question comes with a new dimension to it now that we have Esther.Â It could almost be taken as "Now see what you've done - you've kept having kids until your are over 40 and gotten what you deserved!Â Aren't you done yet?Â Haven't you learned you lesson?"Â Wow - that's harsh isn't it!Â This is something I really want to talk about - Esther and God's design for our family. Â But that will be another post all by itself!
So, am I done?Â Am I done trusting God?Â Am I finished with believing that God knows what's best for me and my family?Â Do I have all the kids I wanted?Â No!
Trusting God...that's what it boils down to for me -am I willing to trust God to work in my life?Â This is HUGE!Â This isn't just about birth control - it's about everything for me.Â Do I trust God to give me the strength for today?Â Do I trust God to work everything for my good?Â Can I trust God even when things don't make sense and they hurt?Â Yes, most definitely yes!Â But am I able!Â That's the catch!Â Trust doesn't come easy, but everytime I get fearful, I remind myself to look back at the tough times in my life and see how God was working through those times to draw me to Him and develop things in me that could not possible be developed or learned through easy times!Â Then I know that I can trust God to carry me through and that what is happening in my life has come because God deemed it to be best for me!
Have I reached the family size I wanted?Â Not really - I wanted a large family - like 5 kids!Â So actually we are way past that!Â For me, it's not what I want, but what God has planned for me!
Will I have more children?Â I have no idea! My pregnancy with Esther was the most difficult yet, and her birth was downright scary.Â I'm now facing the challenges of raisingÂ child with special needs.Â Will this change anything?Â If I let it, it will - it will make me fearful, worried, and distrustful.Â Am I going to let it?Â No - I still trust God with my whole life!Â Will I pray for more children?Â No, I'm not...I'm leaving that in His hands.
Do I think I might be done?Â Now that's a good question - yes, we might not have anymore babies - I'm not getting any younger, and I had many signs that my childbearing years will be over soon.Â But only time will tell.
All I know and all I can do right now is Trust in God.Â For the big things and the little things.Â I know I'm in good hands!