Saturday, October 27, 2018

The Art of Becoming a Missing Person, AKA where have I been...

Wow...over 2 years.

How can that happen?

I started with the death of my laptop...then a life in crisis...then walking away from almost everything I did publicly online.

Two years ago I was seriously struggling - spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally.

Today I am seriously struggling - spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally.

But I am not in the same place I was 2 years ago.  In some ways I'm in a better place, but in some ways not.  Just different I guess.

Why am I back?  I'm not really sure.  I know that writing for me is therapeutic in some ways.  But  for one thing, I finally have a laptop again.  Sitting at a computer for any length of time is just not an option for me anymore (I'll explain that in a minute).  I sometimes feel guilty for leaving my readers hanging after posts about depression, health problems, adoption and other struggles....but most of the time I've just not thought about it much.

Actually I'm not sure I'm back.  That depends on if anyone reads this!  If anyone comments... If anyone really cares.

There's too much that has happened in the last two years to actually talk about it, but I can share a few highlights.

January  - just couldn't go on having a home business
March  - sold Snap-EZ to my seamstress, Stephanie, also started taking anti-depressents
August - Began weaning off anti-depressants, too many side effects (gained back all 70 pounds that took me 4 years to lose, wahhh)
September|October - 6 week sinus infection. 4th antibiotic (one for the plague, literally!) finally worked
November - Reuben starts a courtship
December - took my last anti-depressant

January - Our family at home began attending the church we used to attend (1996 - 2004)
              - also diagnosed with allergic asthma - my lung function was at 70%! Yikes!
             - Esther diagnosed with Retina Edema, 13 trips to Children's Hospital in 6 months
February - My knee permanent injury acts up again, causing me to learn how to live with using a cane
April - Enrolled Esther and Christy at our local public school special ed program, 1/2 days
         - Reuben gets engaged, starts a new job,                                                    working swing shift
         - steroid injection in knee - only helps for less than 2 weeks
June - Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia
        - Rebekah and Rachel move out to try living away from home (they are 20 & 23) at the time
July - We put the house on the market, hoping to move to a one level home with less yard/square footage to maintain
August - Synvis injection in my knee - still working great! My cane is retired indefinitely
        - Reuben's fiance calls off the engagement/courtship
August - Christy & Esther enrolled full time in special ed, other school-aged children enrolled at the parent partnership program (homeshooling, but children take classes 2 - 3 days a week)
September - Rebekah moves back
October - Reuben gives notice, goes back to old job after being given an offer he can't refuse

Of course there are so many things that this list leaves out, but as you can see from this small fly over, my life today is very different from what it was a few years ago.  Chronic pain, grief, depression and stress change a person.  More days than not, I am barely able to function enough to get the children ready for school and help with homework.  Anything beyond that is practically a miracle now.

If you are like me, and most people, you know practically nothing about fibromyalgia.  I have learned so much since my diagnosis.  I can look back and see that my journey through fibro started 3 years ago.  For most people, fibro is triggered by something that happens that is traumatic - a car accident, the death of a loved one, the onset of chronic pain etc.  For me it was a combination of several life events - the suicide of a friend, the diagnosis of a fatal birth defect in and subsequent death of my daughter's first son, injuring my back,  and the onset of severe health problems.  Overtime, my health (emotional, physical and spiritual) began to decline.
My Daily Life Saving Stuff
So where am I today?  I have been able to lessen some of my fibro symptoms through supplements, CBD oil,  becoming close friends with my heating pad, the use of many pillows (and now my favorite - the U shaped body pillow), and a product called "Beauty Sleep" that allows me to actually sleep most nights now.  I still have bad days where pain and brain fog rob me of the ability to function above a very basic, survival mode.  But I also have good days - where I actually am able to fold some laundry/wash some dishes/go shopping....I'm still learning.  I'm still struggling.  I'm still coming to grips with this diagnosis and it's long term repercussions for me and my family.

My latest and greatest Granddaughter!
I'm also planning to write a book - maybe more than one - but I'm going to start by writing about a family vacation that we took back in 1999 - the last road trip we ever took as a family.  I've decided on a title:

Looking Up Washington's Nose:  A Monumental Vacation

This vacation included the stomach flu hitting everyone in the first 6 hours, an engine fire, getting jack-knifed, a tornado, a flash flood, dropping the trailer, and more.  It's an epic tale of survival and making memories.
one of my therapy kittens, Prim
So, does anyone want to know more?  If I continue this blog, I'm sure I will share about life with fibromyalgia.  I will also share life with special needs, wonderful grand-kids, children achieving important stages in life, and how I'm coping - the hard times and the times I rise above. And, of course, I might include some snippets from the book as I progress!

Please comment below if you want to see me blogging again!


  1. Keep on going Ruth! You have talent and can tell a story. You also are very connectable; we all have low points in our life. Sending love your way.

  2. I enjoyed reading your words today! I also have Fibromyalgia and for the last 6 months my health has gotten much worse....I will be seeing a rheumatologist. I'm curious about the sleep aid you mentioned....does it help you fall asleep AND sleep through the night?