Into Darkness (and Back out by Grace)

This is a letter of sorts that I wrote just over a month ago.  I have waited to post is until I had the opportunity to give it to each of my immediate family members and interact with them about it.  I also wanted to wait and see where God was leading me and know that this was really the life changer that I thought it was. The first part is a kind of "cover letter" explaining why I wrote this and was especially important when I was giving this to people who I love and from whom I had hidden so much from.  So, without further explanation, here it is:

This is my testimony of sorts, relating to the past few years as I reeled and staggered through trials and hardships and turned my back on God, which landed me in a world of darkness, despair and depression. How I attempted to cope erroneously, causing me to flounder again, sinking into the blackness.

I share this with you because I have lived the secret life of darkness in front of you and I am sure you sensed that something was terribly wrong with me. I allowed my sin to cause pain to those I love, and to make our home unpleasant and unproductive. I am grieved that I have caused you pain and sinned against you so many times, lashing out in anger and pain and even pointing out your faults and sins when mine were so great they were causing me to drown, as I pulled you with me. I am so sorry for being such a poor example to you. I will be praying that God will use what you have witnessed in me to draw you closer to Him. That He will enable you to avoid going down this same road in your lifetime.

Please forgive me. Please pray for me. Please do not let the hurts I have inflicted on you to fester, but bring them to God to find healing and peace.

My Journey Into Darkness and Out Again by Grace

I am writing this as a testimony to what I have come to understand as a huge shortcoming in my life and how God, in His amazing grace and patience waited patiently for me while I foolishly stumbled into the darkest valley of my life, until I finally was able to hear His voice and follow His call to find my way back into His light.

I believe this began long ago, but this sin/foolishness took a long time to bear the ugly fruit that overcame me this past year. I did not understand that I even held the erroneous belief because it was so subtle.

I have face trials and hardships in my life by reaffirming my beliefs about God, who He is, what He desires of me and what His promises are. While that is correct, it is missing the most critical aspect of being a child of God. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

For years I was able to “get by” and not even realize that I held this erroneous beliefs, until the past year or so, with multiple trials and afflictions, when I came face to face with my foolishness. I reached a place of darkness, pain and despair that I have never reached before. My pain was so great that I recoiled, reeled...staggered under it. The beginning of the slide into darkness began in the winter of 2013. I began to allow painful situations to fest. I did not come to God to seek understanding of His purpose for the trials in my life. As time went by more trials and disappointments and pain were added, piling up, but I would stuff my pain and confusion and “try not to think about it.”

This began a process of drifting away from God. I allowed my quiet time and prayer to become more infrequent and more something to do and a meeting of myself with God. I was becoming more and more inwardly focused. The more inwardly focused I became, the more responsibilities I gave up on, the more I saw myself failing as a wife, mother and friend. The feelings of failure led to feelings of guilt until I began to further withdraw into my self to avoid the guilt, pain, and shame. Even going to church was more that I could face more often than not.

All of this withdrawing was well in place when, in May, I got word that a very dear friend, whom I had lost touch with in recent years, had committed suicide, and in ube, we received the diagnosis that my grandson, Matthew, has Trisomy 18 and was not expected to live after birth, if he lived that long. That began a time of completely shutting down...emotionally and spiritually. This also marked the beginning of physical and medical difficulties for m (chronic back pain, repeated sinus infections, tooth abstractions and stomach problems). Adding to all of that Christy was diagnosed with sleep apnea that required her to have oxygen via a nasal cannula while she slept. This let to late nights and subsequently to sleep deprivation for me.

Instead of running to God and pleading for His grace and strength, I shut down, turned inward, began escaping reality in whatever way I could find. I believe that much of my physical hardships were brought on or increased by my stuffing my problems instead of clinging to God and admitting my inadequacy.

IN August I suffered yet another sinus infection and also had to have a tooth removed in September, and ended up with a jaw infection. I spent entire days in my bedroom, shutting out everyone and everything, escaping into the world of an online “sim” game. I sought comfort from strangers instead of God...sought companionship from those who would expect nothing from me..sought to escape from the pain and misery that surrounded me in the real world.

Mathew's death and birth was a turning point for me, but not in a good way. I survived those three days by focusing on what I needed to do next for Jessica and Jon. I went three days without any sleep. Witnessing the silent moments after his birth broke me. I had to leave, I nearly passed out. Alone I cried as I have never cried before. And then I went on. I did not cry out to God, I did not share my grief with anyone. I just did the next thing, even when I couldn't stop crying anytime I was alone. I sought help in the refuge of sleeping pills. Be busy or sleep was my goal each day. I recoiled, I withdrew, I was free-falling into a dark pit of despair. I reeled and staggered under the weight of this loss. The disappointment was beyond my ability to comprehend. I had to do whatever it took to escape the pain. I quit reading the Bible, I avoided prayer. Going to my place where I have my quiet time would mean facing this raw pain. I just couldn't do it. I could not even speak to another living soul of what I was going through. How the memory of that day was hitting me at odd moments, and the raw pain would come back like a knife. I began to feel fragile, as though it would take just a small thing and my tenuous hold onto reality would break. I even began to have panic attacks when anything presented itself as a crisis (big or small). My back pain grew to epic proportions and I had to seek both chiropractic help and physical therapy, but they only eased the back pain enough for me to function for a few days at a time. I began to be on muscle relaxants full time. The anti-inflammatories I had been taking shredded my stomach and I was no longer able to take those after a time.

Just before Thanksgiving I knew I needed to do something. I knew I needed help when I began to have thoughts of wanting to really escape. Run away. It was all just too much. I know I had to do something, I knew I was fragile, about to break. I felt would up so tight I was going to explode. The emotions I was holding inside were creating a pressure that was reaching a breaking point. I reached out and asked close friends to pray for me. I sought counsel from a pastor as well as friends who had or were dealing with grief. I began to read the right book. I thought I was finding the answers. I found some relief. I was no longer alone in my pain and despair. I found comfort in God's promises and reassurance in what I believed about God.

I thought I was doing the right thing and that eventually everything would work itself out and that I could find a new, healthy normal again.

But I was wrong, seriously wrong, only I didn't know it yet, not for quite a while. These coping attempts had worked for me in the past, but they were leaving me without any true relief. I felt as though God had turned His back on me. My infrequent prayers seemed to die as I uttered them. My relief was temporal and short lived. My grief and disappointments, despair and discouragement were just below the surface. Still very much there and could crash in on me at the slightest provocation and overwhelm me.

I continued to have ever increasing medical problems....High blood pressure became a constant problem, my back problems hit an all time worst, my stomach was diagnose as having erosive gastropathy (the lining of my stomach was being eroded away), and my hormones were completely wreaking havoc on me. The reality of my friend's suicide began to torment my dreams, I'd even think I saw her here and there when I was out of the house running errands. I was finding less comfort in the books that I was reading and felt a wall between me and any friends. I couldn't speak of my heartache without feeling that I would be engulfed and overcome if I even dared to voice my pain.. My physical problems created crises that put me in the hospital twice. I asked people to pray for me, yet I could not pray.

The walls I had erected to protect myself were firmly back in place. My quiet times once again decreased and my escaping and stuffing instincts returned, only stronger now.

Things began to improve physically as I began to get to the root of a few of my problems and get the treatments and medications I need to address them. But spiritually and emotionally things were not improving. I was able to get an injection in my back that relieved me of all back pain for eight weeks and I began to feel like I could actually do things again and began to tackle home projects that had been pushed to back burners for months. But nothing was taking away the pressure that was building inside of me. It would show up in bursts of anger, in an underlying state of being easily irritated. I was unable to find joy in anything. At the end of April, I attended a new Bible Study and while there, amidst friends, I felt like a foreigner. Like the Bible was not mine, that prayer was something foreign to me. I felt out of place and like a hypocrite. I no longer belonged in a Bible Study. My back pain began to come back during that week, so I made an appointment with the Pain Clinic for the day after we came home from Colorado.

The next day came my big trip to Colorado with two of our children who were competing at the national level of Bible Quizzing. Somehow everything came together to enable me to go with them. I was feeling quite healthy and I seemed to be able to get things together enough at home to cover the care of the children who remained home. The first night of the conference I attended the worship service and the music went right into me. I couldn't sing it. I could not honestly sing those lyrics. But they revealed to me something that I had not seen before. God opened my eyes to the fact that I was in bondage, in slavery. I could not honestly sing praise to God. The theme of the conference was Galatians 4:7 and it was there right across the stage...”No longer a slave, but a Child Of God.” And the song, “No Longer Slaves” was sung and tore into my soul. I couldn't sing, all I could do was hang my head while tears coursed down my face. The words rushed through me...

You unravel me with a melody,
You surround me with a song of deliverance from my enemies
'Til all my fears are gone...
I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.
From my mother's womb You have chosen me,
Love has called my name, I've been born again into Your family,
Your blood flow through my veins...
I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a Child of God!
I am surrounded by the arms of the Father,
I am surrounded by songs of deliverance,
{I've} been liberated from {my} bondage...
I am a Child of God.

I knew that God was moving in me, but I couldn't quite grasp what He was showing me. Before I had time to really think it through, the service was over and I got very busy with the quizzing. Each day, this would repeat. I'd cry through the worship service, and I just knew God was trying to get me to see, but I just couldn't. I'd leave each day without answers. Saturday night I stayed up really late and got to share some of my struggles with another mother there. But I knew that I was only sharing that I was in a dark place, that I had railed miserably and had turned my back on God....that I had reeled, staggered under the grief. She said she would pray for me. The next day it was the day we went home. Busy long day of traveling.

The next day I went to my Bible Study (the first one I've attended in over 4 years). At the end I shared with them that I knew God was trying to show me something, and that I had been through the hardest year of my life and had failed. I asked that they would pray that I would be able to find time to be quiet before the Lord and see what He was trying to show me. I asked them to pray but once again I did not pray myself.

I went to the Pain Clinic that afternoon and they said that I could have another injection since it had worked for two months, that I might find longer relief with a second one. I was able to make an appointment for another SI injection for the very next day!

I didn't have to wait long for that answer. That very evening when I came home I went straight to my bedroom. I didn't even want to eat dinner. I grabbed my notebook and a pen and began to pray, and cry and write. And then it dawned on me...I finally heard what God was trying to tell me, to teach me.

I needed Him. I needed to come to Him broken, empty and worthless. I had to admit defeat. I had to embrace the fact that I had turned to works to save me from my trials and heartache. I had been attempting to fix myself. My faith was in my faith, my strength was depending on the strength of my convictions. I had missed the most critical aspect of being a child of God...God Himself. I had to understand and embrace the fact that I am completely and utterly unable to do anything without His enabling, and that His enablings only come when I have come to Him, empty and broken and humble and seek His face, His grace. I had only prayed at the end of my efforts, like He was the last resort, only to go to when all other efforts had failed. I only sough His help to fill the gaps left from my works.

But these coping mechanisms were just that, mechanisms. And they were useless to carry me through the severe trials. I had failed God.

I opened my heart and soul and cried out to God. I wrote even as I cried and prayed, not even looking at the page. I confessed my sins of being self centered and self righteous. I asked Him to forgive me for turning my back on Him. I beseeched Jesus to teach me to truly become like Him. I confessed my sin of daring to blame others for the mess I had become. I confessed to sinning like Peter and taking my eyes off my Savior and giving into the waves of fear and doubt and sinking into the blackest of oceans. I confessed that I had listened to my deceitful and arrogant heart and had walked astray. I begged God to teach me to cling to Him and Him alone. To free me from the bondage to fear, and my slavery to sin. I begged Him to open my eyes to be able to see myself as He sees me. To see my sins so that I could confess them.

Then I looked up scripture that spoke of comfort and peace (the idea just came to me then). I knew I needed both and that I could only find them in Christ, and only as a gift from God, not of my own doing. I used the scripture to pray...I begged Him to create in me a clean heart, a deep abiding love for Him, a passion to serve Him in all I do, to take away my arrogance and pride and self-centeredness, to teach me to be others minded and selfless, to rescue me, to create in me the instinct to run to Him when facing trials, to enable me to sing His praise and to worship Him in truth, to create in me an appreciation for all He has and is doing for me, to grant me an abiding, soul deep ability to know Him as my only comfort ans strength, me ever present help in trouble, to lead me beside still waters and comfort my soul, to trust that He is always with me and that His plans for me are good, and to cause me to become more like Jesus, to teach me to not allow my heart to become troubled, to not give in to hear, to enable me to put my hope in Him alone, to enable me to praise Him even in the midst of the darkest storm, to enable me to not worry about anything but to come to Him in prayer.

He began to answer my prayers even as I was writing them. I began to feel a sense of peace and to feel the heavy darkness lift.

Since my time at the conference, I have heard the song, “No Longer Slaves”, over and over again (I had never listened to the words before), as well as others, and they continued to minister to me and steer my thoughts back to God. After pouring my heart out to the Lord that night, I was beginning to find peace and feel the hope of finding the end of my journey through the darkness. But I had to return to “reality.” I told no one, I needed time for this to settle. The very next morning, I opened my Bible to where I had last been reading in the Psalms (months ago). It was Psalm 107. What I read astounded me. Right there I read what could have been written about me. Words and phrases that depicted my self inflicted free fall into darkness....

”they wandered....hungry and thirsty...soul fainted within...

then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble;

He delivered them out of their distresses...

Give thanks...For He has satisfied the thirsty soul....

There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death,

prisoners in misery and chains.

Because they had rebelled against the words of God

and spurned the counsel of the Most High...

They stumbled and there was none to help.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble;

He saved them out of their darkness and the shadow of death

And broke their bands apart.

He sent His word and healed them....

Their soul melted away in their misery,

they reeled and staggered and were at their wit's end.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble

and He brought them out of their distresses.

He caused the storm to be still so that the waves of the sea were hushed,

then they were glad because they were quiet.

What also struck me was that in this passage the author stated over and over, “let them give thanks to the Lord” and then in vs 22 “...and tell of His works with joyful singing” and in vs 32 “Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people.”

So I must not remain silent. I must share my story and what God has done for me. I was a fool and I embraced my pain as I turned my back on God. But I thank God that He was patiently waiting for the day that I would hear His voice and see His plan for me. I praise Him that He opened my eyes and ears and enabled me to hear His voice.

I have a long road ahead of me. To break the patterns and habits that led me into darkness. To confess my many sins against my family and friends. To cling to my Lord when the waves threaten to cover me again. I praise Him, for He does all things well. I will be learning to trust Him as I have never trusted Him before, and to praise Him even when I am in the midst of the storm.

Since that time I have begun to enjoy the Bible Study and have returned to my prayer journals and have been working to and asking God to remind me to come to Him when difficulties come. I still find myself trying to go it alone, but I am also running to Him as well, so I'm making strides in the right direction. My back pain was relieved for only two weeks, so I am once again dealing with back pain on a daily basis. I had my follow up appointment and the options given to me were not ones I want to pursue at this time, but through several circumstances, God has led me to try acupuncture and my first session resulted in 5 hours of no pain and lessened pain in the next few days. I will be going back regularly for a time and I'm hopeful that with my dietary changes and acupuncture I will be able to heal my back.

Here are a few more songs that have been ministering to me.

Trust In You

(Laren Daigle)

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

Yet I will Praise

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

Healing Begins

Ten Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up

Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let you walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins,

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hid

Can com crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide but you find

That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight

This coming light

Let this blood come cover us

Hi blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins,

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

About These Last Six Months

The last six months have been the hardest six months of my life thus far.  It wasn't any one thing, but there were definitely some things that have been harder than others, but even small trials seem harder to bear when there are big trials challenging you every day.

If you only want to read about the happy stuff in my life, scroll down....way down....

On the other hand, the article Your Painful Story Brings God Glory, by Laura Story, is what pushed me in the direction of sharing my struggles here.  I hope that reading what I have and am going through will help someone in some way, even if this post isn't an "I've made it through this trial" kind of post.  This is an "I'm in the middle of trials, but I know that God is here with me" kind of post.

In my last "real" blog post, I shared with you that Jessica and Jon had received a diagnosis that their little baby had Trisomy 18, or Edwards Syndrome.  Walking this road with them has been the hardest trial in my life thus far.  I watched as my precious daughter purposed to love Matthew and appreciate every day they had with him, never knowing when his last day might be.  I was privileged to go with them on several of their trips to Seattle to see specialists at both the University of Washington Maternal Fetal clinic and the fetal echo-cardiograms at Seattle Children's Hospital.  

Due to the generosity of a friend, they planned outings to make memories with Matthew on each trip!  I was able to go to the Woodland Park Zoo and walk around Green Lake.  We had lots of fun as we tried different ways of including a tiny little pajama outfit in photos to show that they were making memories of their journey with Matthew.  Jessica and I were busy knitting and crocheting everywhere we went.  She made the most beautiful little sweater set and blanket and I was working on some cocoons. There were highs and there were lows, good days and bad days.  Sometimes I grieved for myself and the grandson that I had hoped for, other times I grieved as I watched my daughter walk through this valley.  

Just over a week before they were scheduled to be induced, Jessica couldn't find Matthews heartbeat.  They had a borrowed doppler so she could listen for his heartbeat each day, especially if he was not moving.  They heard his heartbeat that morning, but after a nap they listened again and it was gone.  They headed to the local ER to confirm and found that Matthew had passed away.  Then they packed up and headed to Seattle to be induced.  I joined them the following morning after a sleepless night.  The induction lasted from Sunday night until just after midnight on Tuesday.  She was laboring most of the time, but the labor had times of intensity as well as times of rest. 

As her mother, it was so hard to see her labor in grief.  As a grandmother, it was hard to know that my first grandson would be born sleeping.  The silence of a labor room without a fetal monitor was profound.  More profound even was the moment of his birth.  As he was laid on Jessica's chest, I kept waiting for him to move, to cry, to live.  But that moment never came.  The intensity of this hour was nearly more than I could handle, I cried out to God to comfort them,  I grieved so intensely that physically I was falling apart.  I came very close to fainting, so I left the room.  I did not want to draw attention to myself. Their moments and memories of Matthews time with them needed to be about them, not me.  I figured that the nurses could scrape me off the floor in the hallway if needed.  I was able to make my way to a bathroom far from their room and cried my heart out in wrenching sobs. I have rarely cried this hard in my life. After a time I was able to go back to their room and marvel over Mathew's beauty.  His perfect little facial features, his tiny little hands.  Watching them lovingly and carefully dress him and wrap him up in a soft white blanket.  I stayed with them for a few hours, taking photos and listening to them and I even got to hold him for a while.

 So precious, so loved, so tiny, so still. 

Jessica has blogged about Matthew's birth in detail, if you want to read it go to her blog, Matthew's Life.
My sister, Lisa, lovingly made this photo collage for Jessica and Jon

Daryl came down to Seattle and arrived mid morning, and we were to drive our separate cars home, but together as I had not slept since Sunday morning and it was now Tuesday. I made plans with Sam, my daughter-in-law, and Cindy, a dear friend, to go to Jessica's apartment and do some cleaning there. In the weeks before Matthew's birth, Jessica had been sick with a fever for over a week.  I wanted them to come home to a clean apartment and have dinner waiting for them there.  The plan was for me to take a nap and then do the cleaning....but I was still unable to sleep and, by then, unable to stop crying.  I made a call to my doctor's office and requested sleep aids, which they did prescribe for me and have been invaluable to me since then, but I only use them occasionally.  I just could not make my brain shut down and when I tried to sleep, all I could think of was Jessica, Jon and Matthew and then I'd start crying again.  Working was therapeutic and I was so thankful for the presence of Sam and Cindy. Talking with them was so good for me. I stuck around until Jon and Jessica arrived, then ran a few errands for them, including buying Jessica a pretty, comfy nightie to wear as well as some pajamas for me - I had found rayon pajamas on a clearance rack!  It was such a blessing to me and to her as well.  Then I headed home and was finally able to get some sleep.  Over the next few weeks, I helped Jessica as best I could as she recovered.  She had a difficult recovery due to the long, difficult labor.  It was good for me to do this as it also helped me to begin to grieve as well as gave me some time away from home to rest and recover as well.  

Matthew's graveside service was held soon, and he was buried just inches from where our daughter, Johanna Marie, was buried.  There was something very special about God orchestrating this.  That day was also very hard.  To watch my daughter walk next to her husband as he carried the tiny white casket to the hole in the ground, and then later to watch as Jon and Daryl lowered the casket by hand into that deep, dark hole tore my heart. 

During those months of Jessica's pregnancy, Matthew's death and birth, I struggled in many ways. 

Physically I was challenged through sleep deprivation.  Christy had been put on oxygen at night to support her heart and lungs as she still has sleep apnea, and the echo-cardiogram had revealed that she has an un-repaired ASD.  She did not, and still does not, like wearing a nasal cannula.  She would fuss and cry.  Esther is very sensitive to her crying and it upset her.  If I was not in the room and Christy was fussing, Esther would first go to her crib and try to comfort her, saying over and over, "it's OK, it's OK."  Then she would come to my door and knock until I came out and cared for Christy.  This led to my staying in their room each night until Christy fell asleep...which was invariably after 11 pm.  Starting back in January, when I had been with Christy at Children's Hospital for her sedated dental work and MRI, I had aggravated my knee injury and did something to my back.  After a few weeks on crutches, my knee found a new happy place, however my back did not.  I mostly ignored my back pain until I couldn't stand it, then I'd go to the chiropractor and get adjusted.  I was dealing with back spasms every night, I just didn't know it.  I had also been struggling with what we though was an ulcer (since my ER trip the previous December), but just couldn't/wouldn't find the time to get a proper diagnosis.  Add to all that the daily stresses of caring for a large family and Christy's ongoing medical challenges.  Matthew's birth/death caused me to reach a physical crisis.  My stomach was raw, my back was causing nearly constant pain, and I was definitely dealing with adrenal fatigue as well.

Emotionally I was into uncharted territory for me.  I was a mess.  On top of grief and daily stress, I was dealing with imbalanced hormones.  I felt fragile.  I was definitely falling into depression.  I was having moments of something like panic attacks.  I was coming unglued so to speak.  I felt like if some new trial came, I would just break. I forgot to mention that this past summer, in August, I learned that a friend, Diane, with whom I had been extremely close for many years (but had drifted apart from her over the last 10 years or so), had committed suicide.  This was definitely also an emotional stress as I was grieving the loss of a friend and had many regrets of having allowed our friendship to dissolve.  We had been in contact occasionally, but hadn't connected as friends in many years.  As my emotional state began to deteriorate, I began having dreams about her, and this was adding fresh grief to my already unstable emotions.

Spiritually I am also a mess.  I allowed Matthew's diagnosis to derail me spiritually.  It's hard to describe, but it was like I had the spiritual reaction of how a child would react to getting a shot.  I recoiled.  I curled into a ball and refused to come out.  It is so hard to describe.  It's almost like I held tight to my grief, yet ignored it.  I hurt to badly I couldn't face it.  It felt as though God had hurt me.  I know this is not true, but that is the best way that I can describe where I was.  After Matthew's death and birth, it got worse.  My pain was so raw, my strength so low, that I just couldn't go there.  My quiet times were few and far between, and my prayers were too.  I knew I needed to reach out to God, but something inside me was not ready to let go.  I think it was the beginning of November that I knew something had to be done.  I made an appointment with my pastor.  I shared with him my ongoing struggle to get sleep as well as my spiritual situation as best I could.  I knew I needed to dwell on who I believed God to be, to remember His promises to me as His child.  When I got home I looked through my bookshelves to a devotional that Pastor Mark had recommended and that I knew I had.  I was unable to find it but I did come across a book that I had no idea that I even owned!  Some time, I have no idea when, this book came into my possession, but I had "shelved" it.  It is a book by Kay Arthur, "God, How Can I Live."  I knew that God had meant for me to find this book at this exact moment.  That in and of itself was more comforting that I can tell.  Since then Pastor Mark has also given me another book that also has been very helpful, it is called "New Morning Mercies" by Paul David Tripp.

Here are some quotes from "God, How Can I Live" that have been particularly helpful:

"Thus (after quoting James 1:13) when adversity comes into your life, precious one, you can rest in the fact that first it had to be filtered through His sovereign fingers. And those are fingers of love, for God is love...."I can't understand it. It doesn't seem fair!" Is that what you are thinking? Remember, God's ways are not your ways, His thoughts are not your thoughts. Faith submits, taking God at His word and resting in His Character."
And after talking about Job chapter 1:
"O precious child of God, are you in great travail of soul because of some adversity? Fear not! Your Father is filtering it all through His fingers of love....Trust in Him, and it will result in good."

Do you realize what peace would be yours if you would only believe what God has said and bow your knee in humble, trusting thanksgiving. Then you would cease replaying bitter memories of horrible days gone by - days that have been overruled by His promises and His sovereign rule. With a touch....they have been turned to good - your eternal good.....May God grant you the blessed ability to see all of life through the prism of His infallible word.

Our tragedies are permitted for two reasons: that we might become more like Jesus and that others might see the reality of our God and long to know Him as we know Him. 2 Cor. 4:11
The more trials we experience, the more we become like Jesus, if we appropriate His grace. Therefore, all of life, whatever it brings, prepared us for eternity.

I wanted to share my journey with you now, before I am on the "other side."  In the past I have always blogged about good times, fun memories and such.  But I think it is important for people to be transparent when they are going through trials.  Reading about Kay Arthur's trials and hearing of trials of others can be comforting, especially when you hear how God is comforting them in the midst of their difficulties.  Since that low point in November, I have been working to find the source of some of my difficulties.  I have found some things that have been helpful, but if my lowest point was a minus 10, and being strong and healthy is a positive 10, and being just OK is zero, I vary between a -8 and a -4 now.  It doesn't take much ( a few bad night's sleep for example) and I find myself crying whenever I am alone, again.  I have days where I can feel God's presence, but most days I still feel that I am in a spiritual battle ground and that I am losing the battle.  Since my low point, I had taken a fall (literally) and have aggravated my knee injury.  My back pain reached epic proportions and I ended up going to the urgent care clinic.  I have since been on 12 hour prescription pain meds, muscle relaxants and I am now going to physical therapy.  My chiropractor and my physical therapist have been able to get my back into alignment, but it goes back out easily.  My L5 disc is the source of my problems, and needs to heal.  I can't sit in church or in an upright chair for more than a few minutes without my back going into spasms.  Also, my stomach is still causing me pain, mostly at night but also when I am upset about anything (for example, my back pain often causes me to feel nauseated which leads to stomach pain...).  I had an endoscopy done and the preliminary result was erosive grastropathy...basically the lining of my stomach is eroding away.  I won't know the cause of this (it could be viral, bacterial or just the result of constant stress) until the biopsy results come in. But there is some comfort knowing that my stomach pain is not my imagination!  

For the first time in my life I am dealing with multiple physical ailments, two of which are the most debilitating I have ever had (my knee has been worse before).  Any of the three can cause me to not be able to sleep or function at a normal level during the day.  I am also dealing with anemia (could be caused by my stomach problem as it can inhibit absorption of nutrition) and low immunity/recurring infections (7 rounds of antibiotics in the last 8 months, two for a jaw infection after getting a tooth extracted, the rest for recurring sinus infections).  I take dozens of natural supplements to try to help with these ailments, but I don' seem to be making any headway (I am currently on antibiotics again...).  Emotionally I am still up and down....sleep deprivation plus grief as well as dealing with nearly constant pain can really get me down at times, especially at night.  

Wow, this is such a downer blog post!  Oh - and I forgot to mention that Dayton (11 years old) had his appendix burst and had emergency surgery on Thanksgiving Day, and spent four days in the hospital!  He is doing great though.  For that I am more than grateful!  Daryl was able to stay with him nearly the entire time, as I was still dealing with my latest sinus infection.  And, we have had two stomach bugs run through the family as well as two different colds in the last three weeks.  Currently all four little girls are sick with a bad cough, Carese is the worst at the moment, running a fever all day yesterday. Christy showed signs of coming down with this cold yesterday.

I hope to blog again regularly and keep you updated as to what God is doing in my life.  I keep reminding myself of what I believe about God:

God Loves Me, enough to send His Son to DIE for me!
God knows what is best for me
Every trial comes into my life after it is filtered through His loving hand and is for my good and His glory.
God has this - He is in control, nothing surprises Him. 
God has a plan for my life and my family - to prosper me and not to harm me

I know that my heart will follow where my mind is, so I know that if I dwell on the truth of God's love for me and His promises, I will eventually begin to feel it in my heart and soul once again.

***You MUST read my blog post, Into Darkness and out by Grace to get the whole story...all that you just read did not bring me out of the darkness and depression, it only gave me a short, partial relief...I went back under. But the story doesn't end there!  PLEASE READ!***

So - time to look at the bright side of my life! In the last 8 months, there have been some good times.  


In July I got to spend the day with Jonathan, riding in his big truck!  It was a fun day, and I was surprised how different things look from 10 feet off the ground!  It was also enlightening what truck drivers have to deal with and I am more considerate of semi-trucks on the road now!


Last July we had a work party here where friends came over and helped us put more of our land into lawn, paint and clean up the front of the house to prepare for a new appraisal in hopes of getting rid of our mortgage insurance.  It did pay off - our appraisal came in around $30,000 higher than the last time!  

While we weren't able to do exactly what we had hoped, we got to do something even better - refinance our mortgage, with a lower interest rate and cut out three years (went from 23 years left to a 20 year mortgage).  Our monthly payments will be lowered by roughly $400/month.  We close on our new mortgage in just over a week from now!

We started watching Once Upon A Time (OUAT) last summer, and found out that it is filmed just across the border from us!  I have been able to go to Steveston, B.C., AKA Storybrooke, and watch the filming three times now. 

The last time I got to meet Robert Carlyle (Rumple Stiltskin in OUAT, as well as a villain in a James Bond film!), get a photograph with him as well as getting his signature on a OUAT playing card that I bought in Steveston! 



 We had a party at the boys' apartment where we all chose a character and dressed up, then we streamed the season premiere!  

We had a great time, but Carese was a little freaked out at my "new look"!  Daryl still dislikes the photos of me dressed as Regina/The Evil Queen!  LOL!  Rebekah dressed as Zelena was the most accurate and mind boggling imitation!  Zelena is the Wicked Witch from Oz in OUAT.

Christy Update:

Christy celebrating her 5th birthday, August 5

Christy standing
all by herself!

Christy had some testing done in October.  Her echo showed the same as what we saw last spring, so that's OK.  Her hearing test showed that she has perfect hearing. Her MRI showed that her brain and its vessels are stable, and that was very good.  

Christy LOVED being in the pool this summer!
She also did great camping for an entire week!

We have now finished all the testing that needed to be done since she came home.  She will only need to go to Children's for periodic evaluations for neurology and cardiology and possibly dental work.  She had a dental exam this fall and her teeth looked great!  She even lost her first tooth about two weeks ago! I was not expecting that to happen already! She just doesn't seem old enough to lose teeth, but at nearly 5 1/2, she most certainly is!  

She continues to be a daddy's girl, but does snuggle with me on occasion!  She has recently began to put her left arm through her sleeve when she is getting dressed, and this is a huge milestone for her...she has always made getting dressed and undressed as difficult as possible.  

She now has a stander (she needs to be bearing weight to build bone mass and core strength. We found out this summer that her hip sockets are not fully formed so she is at risk for dislocation), a walker (on loan, but one has been ordered for her) and enjoys running around the house in it. 

 We also got an adaptive stroller for her since she has outgrown most strollers now - she grew 4 inches in the last year!  I also just sent in an application for handicapped parking permits and I am looking forward to being able to park closer to buildings when I have her with me!

Esther has had a very healthy summer and fall.  She has weathered a few colds.  She continues to communicate through sign language, but she knows hundreds of signs now.  She understands everything you say to her.  She loves to sing, especially songs in movies like Frozen!  She LOVES Once Upon A Time, especially the bloopers!  She will imitate every motion from those and it's hilarious!

Other milestones in our family:

Rebekah got her driver's license this summer, Rachel is working on getting hers.  Both girls are working a temporary job for the holidays, working for a former classmate of one of my siblings, at the Lights Of Christmas at Warm Beach.

Reuben has been working at Perry Pallet since early spring and will probably get his driver's license this week. 

Reuben and Rachel are gearing up for another great season of Bible Quizzing and both hope to be able to go to Nationals again this year!

Daniel is growing like a weed and has become my right hand man at home since Reuben is gone so much.

Dayton is doing better in school this year and loves to play with his Legos

Elizabeth is going weekly to a friends house and gets to ride horses!  She loves this!  She is a big helper for me, especially right now with the big girls gone on the weekends!  She got braces earlier this year, but has them off already and has a special retainer that is helping with her lower teeth.

Carese is growing and is such a big talker.  Some of the things she says are hilarious!  She is a climber and seems to always have a bruise or two from falling while balancing on something!  She is such a mommy's girl.  She loves to go places with me, but gets panicky if she thinks I am not at home.

We've had some good times in the midst of our hard times, and for this I am so thankful!  I have so many blessings to be thankful for.  It's hard for me to share hardships, and to share with others when I am hurting, especially when I am in the midst of things. I love to share how God has worked in my life in the past and how He has done wonderful things and shown Himself to be faithful.  It seems like I am so slow at growing in Christ when I can still be so slow to run to God.  I am re-reading Stepping Heavenward for the eighth time now, and find such wonderful truths there, as well as challenges to look to God and focus on living for Him each and every day.  I fail so often.  Elizabeth Prentiss, the author of Stepping Heavenward wrote the hymn, More Love to Thee.  Her little novel and all her written works prove that this was her goal in her life.  I want to make it mine, but I seem so often to forget that I even want to love Him more, and end up being self absorbed and throwing my own pity parties.  More often of late, especially when I can't sleep at night, I am crying out to God, and I know that this is His doing, His calling to find comfort in Him.  For He is the only true place of comfort.

So, if you think of me and my family in the weeks and months to come, please pray that we will all seek Christ, run to our Father, bend our wills to His, and above all to bring Him glory through it all.