Musings on a Dark Night

Three Years.

Yep, it's been three years since Esther has been sick enough to be hospitalized.  Just 6 days past the 3 year mark and Pneumonia has taken up residence in Esther again.

This time it happened much faster, but I was prepared!  Since her last bout with pneumonia I purchased a new stethoscope and a Pulse Oximeter from Amazon.  No, this was not recommended by her doctor, but I knew I needed to be equipped so that if Pneumococcus came around again I could get Esther the help she needs before she became so very very sick like last time.

After her last bout, our doctor prescribed breathing treatments (albuterol and pulmicort) to be administered to Esther whenever she contracted any respiratory illness.  This has been invaluable in keeping her out of trouble!  But I still ended up taking her in to the doctor so many times when she was sick "just in case" to be sure that she wasn't going bacterial.  That was working well, but a fellow mom of a child with Down Syndrome told me that I could purchase a PulsOx online - I was all over that!

With the PulsOx and my stethoscope (I listened to her when healthy and when sick and listened to recordings of different breathing tones from an online site) I was able to track Esther's breathing and be able to note changes, both good and bad, when she was ill.  The PulsOx really helps as you can't look at a child and tell how well they are oxygenating unless it is really bad, and you don't want to go there - blue lips are terrifying!  Even faster breathing/increased work of breathing don't always tell you what you want, especially if you are administering breathing treatments at home, as the medications your child breaths in can temporarily cause increased heartrate and faster breathing - so it can be a false indicator of how your child is doing.  And a child relaxed in sleep an look like they are breathing fine, when in reality their oxygen level is low enough to cause concern and you really can't tell!

Esther developed a cough on Thursday (her little sister had been sick with a cough for about 5 days).  I started breathing treatments right away.  Friday she had a fever but still was playing almost like normal so I wasn't concerned.  Saturday no fever, still a cough, so I continued breathing treatments (I listen to her breathing and us the PulsOx before and after breathing treatments as much as possible).  Sunday after her morning breathing treatment her breathing did not clear up as much as I liked and decided to take her in just to make sure I was on track.  At the dr appointment, I realized that the prescription had been printed incorrectly and I was supposed to be giving her the Ibuterol every 4 hours ( as it had been in the past) and not every 6 hours like it said on the box.  I should have checked....anytime your child's prescription refill comes back with a change that you did not hear about directly from the doctor, please check with the doctor!  I had noticed a change on her pulmicort prescription as it said "use daily" whereas before it was "use twice daily" - and yes, that was a typo.  People make mistakes, pharmacy technicians make mistakes.  When it comes to your child's health, it never hurts to double check, but missing something can.

So since it was 3 hours since her last breathing treatment the doctor had us administer her next ibuterol nebulizer treatment there in the office as she also noted that Esther was wheezing a lot, all over her chestl both on inspiration and expiration.  That helped - not a lot, but her O2 levels were on the low side of acceptable - 94/95 verses 92/93.  So she sent us home doing Pulmicort twice daily, and Ibuterol every 4 hours around the clock.  I was to take her back in if she got worse, or if there was no improvement by Tuesday.

Sunday she did good, Sunday night/Monday morning she was still doing well.  Her breathing was a little noisy, but would clear up with breathing treatments and her oxygen levels were OK (94/95%).

Around dinner time on Monday I noticed that she was not wanting to play, looked a little off (red around the eyes), and was easily upset.  I noted this so was extra careful when her next breathing treatment time came around.  In that short time, she had been watching a movie and seemed OK, but when I picked her up she was warm, quite warm.  I listened to her breathing and she was junky everywhere.  Her O2 was around 91-92.  After her breathing treatment I listened again and the first three areas I check sounded nice a clear, but the last area (her lower right) did not.  At first I didn't even heard breathing sounds.  Then I heard more of a popping/gurgling and then a little wheezing.  Yep, red flags for me.  Her O2 had not improved either.  I decided give her some Advil (I have found that Advil can help with breathing as it is anti-inflammatory and can help to reduce inflammation in Esther's narrow airways, and her doctor has confirmed this as well as my own research online)  and to call the Dr office and put her to bed, hoping that over the next few minutes and a change of position would bring on a change for the better.  Nope.  By the time I was on the phone with a nurse, she was asleep, 102 degree fever, breathing 50 breaths per minute and her O2 was down to 88 and staying there and that right lower area still sounded wrong.  The nurse confirmed my conclusion...she needed to go to the ER.

We arrived just before midnight and they pretty much took her right back to a room.  Long story short, I told the doctor what I had been doing for her and what I had noticed in her breathing.  He asked if I was a nurse.  I said no, but that I was Esther's nurse and knew her, better than anyone else.  I said this with confidence, but I was not "in his face".  He thought it was great that I was so pro-active in her care!  He said that he was hearing exactly what I had described to him, but he wasn't sure what he was hearing, so he called for exrays and had us administer blow by oxygen to help get her O2 levels up. After the chest exrays the doctor came back and said I had been right on.  She had a small area of pneumonia, he believe just beginning, and that she needed to be admitted, and ordered her to be started on IV antibiotics and fluids as she was not interested in eating or drinking (and had not done much of either all day).

There wasn't a bed ready for us in Peds (the pediatric floor) so we had to wait in ER for a seemingly long time.  The pediatrician on call (happened to be the very first pediatrician to care for Esther when she was transported to the hospital after she was born at home and was struggling to "pink up").  I told him everything and he was so encouraging and said that he thought that we had indeed caught this right away and that she might do very well since we were getting the antibiotics on board before the bacteria went rampant.  I have to admit I was so thankful that I had been so proactive in her care!

Finally, around 4 am, we were transferred to a room on the peds floor.  We settled in and soon Daddy came to visit and bring us some things from home before going to work.  She finally fell back to sleep again just before her Daddy left and slept until around 8 am (she had slept from after the IV placement until just before moving to the new room).  I, however, was not able to sleep...as her alarms would go off if the blow by got moved too far away from her face when she would move in her sleep.

Through out Tuesday, she was wakeful, but content to stay in bed, play with her dolls or watch movies.  Her O2 was hovering around 92, but would occasionally drop below 90 so I'd have to do the blow by when that happened.  By the afternoon we were no longer doing blow by, so I was happy about that.  The new pediatrician on call confirmed that she needed to remain in the hospital until she can stay above 90% while sleeping without any extra O2.  I was really hoping that she would do well.

Within minutes of falling asleep, her O2 hit 84%...alarms set off and I knew I was in for a long night,  She pretty much needs to have the O2 nearby to keep above 90%.  I have gotten a few cat naps between alarms, but Esther moves a LOT in her sleep.  Right now it's almost 1 am and I just didn't feel like trying to sleep again..of course, she's not had her alarm go off more than once while I've been writing!  Go figure????

Until Esther, I was never woken in the night by an alarm clock that I set so I can wake up  my child and care for them.  This started when she came home (tube feedings via a pump among other things), and has been a part of my care for her whenever she is sick.  It just goes against my mothering instincts...it just seems wrong to wake a sleeping child!  Thankfully Esther is a good sleeper and goes right back to sleep, and sometimes even sleeps through her breathing treatments!

Nights like tonight, weeks like this week, test you as a mother. They test you are a person.  They test what you really believe.  They test what you are willing to do.  When Esther's oxygen alarm goes off, I rocket off the "parent couch" before I even know what I am doing.  I quickly check to see where the Oxygen mask is and get it in place (all the while that alarm is screaming at me).  Then I start shaking if I am not already (adrenalin),  Once she is back up into the 90s, I check her blanket, position and diaper.  If her stats are slow to come up I check her leads and positioning to see what is interfering.  My goal is to be a little of a bother to the nurses as possible without jeopardizing Esther's health - I've heard other mothers crying in the hallway, I heard the other baby's alarms going off every few minutes, I know my nurse is dealing with a very sick baby next door.  Once she is doing well I settle back onto my couch and watch her for a while and pray for her if I remember, then I try to sleep again.  Only it takes a while for my heart to stop racing.  For the panic to subside.  And then just when I drift off, or maybe even before that, the alarm goes off again.  All I want to do is sleep.  I haven't truly slept in nearly 48 hours now.  But I have to keep on keeping on.  For Esther, Because she needs me to.  Because this is what God has called me to do.  And to do it without complaint (OK, so I'm not very good at that one, but God is working on me, especially this week!

You know, in America, we are sold the "American Dream" and commercials yell at us to "have it your way" and have "the easy life."  But God calls us to die to self, to live for Him.  Two very different world views.  When I am out in the public eye like I am right now, I interact with people who can not fathom why we would have so many children.  But it completely blows their minds that we would adopt ANOTHER child with special needs.  What an open door to talk of God, His blessings, and His amazing Grace!  If we Christians are living the American Dream, will anyone ask us why we do what we do?  Or how we do what we do?  God is glorified when we are stretch to our limits and beyond and are living only by HIS grace as then others will see Him in us and stand in awe at what God can do through mere mortals, even though they don't realize that they are seeing Him.

So, why did I tell you all this?  Because I was contemplating a lot of things tonight.  I needed to talk and there are very few people around, even online, to talk to.  And then I thought maybe there are other moms out there with children with respiratory challenges that might benefit from what I had learned, or find encouragement in knowing that they are not alone in the struggle to take good care of their children with special needs.  Maybe you are expecting a baby with special needs and want a glimpse into your possible future.  Maybe you are adopting or considering adopting a child with special needs (YAY!!) and want to be prepared.  Maybe you can not relate to anything I have written, but you know someone who does...maybe you can better understand what they are going through when their child is sick.

I have to admit that after this week (read my blog post from earlier today - 11blessings.blogspot.com)  that I wonder how in the world I can possibly care for two children with special needs and how I will do what I am doing right now when one is sick.  I don't know.  I can't see the future.  I am not in that future.  And I keep reminding myself that God has called me to this.  That He promises the His grace is sufficient. Not for tomorrow.  Not for the "What If"s.  But for THIS MOMENT.  This second.  The next breath.  I keep reminding myself when I worry or fret about tomorrow, I am on my own and disobeyng God's command "do not worry about tomorrow."  As I have heard it said, when the going gets tough, get on your knees, or something like that.

Whatever your reason for reading this, my purpose is, hopefully, to give a helping hand to others walking down this road or walking with someone on this road.  The road of giving for the sake of another.  Caring and loving when all you want to do is be cared for and be loved....caring for the "least of these" because that is the job God has given to you.  To serve unseen.  To give your last ounce of energy without anyone noticing.  No finish line, no trophy, but an undying love for you child and a deep appreciation for the gift that your child is, even though others see your child as a burden.  ALL children are blessings - especially those with special needs.  The blessing is in learning to give when you have nothing left to give, and to hang on tight to your Savior when you are hanging by a thread.  God is faithful.  If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, then you too have the promise that He will always give you the grace for any and all circumstances that you find yourself in.  Not strength from yourself, but that peace and strength that is given that you can not explain, that does not make sense.  It's called grace - unmerited favor.  We don't deserve it, but God gives is freely and it is always sufficient.

If you don't have Jesus as your Savior, then you do not have The Creator as your Father, and you are on your own, and that is a very, very hard place to be when you child or loved one is sick and suffering.  If you want to read about how you can have Jesus as your Lord, and the Creator as your loving heavenly Father, please read my blog post First Things First (or how to know you are saved)

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Really Exciting News + Birthdays!

Esther's New Jessie Doll - she loved her old one
to death, literally!  She LOVE her new Jessie!

Can you tell that Esther
Loved her New Ball! 

Our Dossier has been accepted in Priscilla's Country, and we should get "the signature"s in 1 - 2 weeks and then they'll tell us our travel dates soon after that...to know more, check out my blog post about that.  PLUS we will be changing her name when she becomes officially ours, and I announced what her new name will be too! I actually wrote that post last Thursday and it already has more page views than any other post on my adoption blog, so you really should check it out!  Right now we are thinking we'll be traveling to meet her either the last week of October or sometime early in November!

We are busy preparing for Jeremy's wedding - I finally got my new blouse to wear with my dressy black skirt just yesterday.  I have a few details to square away, but  I'm getting there!

Rachel got a couple of lovely books
from her friends!

Just this week we had the opportunity to get a lot of mushy pears and peaches and I immediately thought "baby food" and then "I won't need that this year" but then I thought of Christy (Priscilla's new name, but you really need to read my post about what her full name is and what it means!).  She is likely to have eating issues as the orphanages tend to bottle feed the children until they are much older, and then they are given baby food for a long time.  So having baby food, home preserved, would be great.  If we don't use it for her, then we can make fruit leather later!

Sam and her sister/Maid of Honor, Emily!

We've had a few birthday's this month!  Daniel turned 12 (sorry no photos, we had his birthday at Jeremy's house after church and we did not take a camera with us!), Rachel turned sweet 16 and Esther turned 5 just last week!

Sam plus her grandmother, mother, sister and friends!

We've gone to two showers for Sam so far.  I took a few photos at our church's shower.  It was a beautiful time celebrating their love story.  I was so amazed at how amazing Jeremy sounded from her sharing of their story.  He also impressed everyone by dropping by the church before the shower and leaving her a beautiful bouquet with a really cool chocolate duckie!  He has turned out to be one amazing young man, romantic to the bone - not sure where he got that from!

My hair styled with a small
Lilla Rose Flexi Clip

I'm continuing to lose inches doing T-Tapp and following the Trim Healthy Mama way of eating.  I still have a long way to go but I'm loving how I feel.  I feel a lot slimmer than I look, but I'm hoping that I will look as slim as I feel before long!

To prepare for Jeremy's wedding, I layered my hair and added some more to my bangs.  I starting to experiment with ways to style my hair.  Today I tried curling the ends.  I'm planning on an "up do" but it's fun to find out what else works, as there's still one more shower and the rehearsal night too!

And I just signed up to be a Lilla Rose Consultant!  We love our Flexi-Clips so much we want to get more without paying full retail, plus sharing them with others!  I'll share more on that later, but for now you can use the link in my side bar or Click HERE to check out all the wonderful hair style helpers they carry!

Summer Time + Esther's New Therapy

I'm copying this from Esther's blog as this is really keeping our family busy these past few weeks!

Esther LOVES to help Carese...
far more than Carese likes to be helped, though!

Summer has arrived, and with it some beautiful weather!  In the past few months, we were given a swing set which is getting a lot of use now, and we got a steal of a deal on a swimming pool (ours died of old age last year) as well.  The kids haven't been in the pool much in the last two weeks due to cool/rainy weather, but that all changed this week!

Esther enjoyed our first "Lake Day"

Summer also means "Lake Days."  We have some sweet friends who live on the lake, and they invite us over almost every week for some beach time.  We all enjoy this special treat!  Last Friday was our first "Lake Day" and we all had so much fun.  Esther spent almost the entire time in the water, and enjoyed every minute of the day.  Carese kept me busy, and it took a while for her to get used to wearing a life jacket, but Esther had no problems with the "life jacket all the time" rule at all!

Last winter we heard about a neurodevelopmental program that a dear friend of mine had discovered, which had made a huge difference in her child - leaping 18 months in development in just 4 months.  The second 4 months did not show this great leap of developmental progress, but there were other extenuating factors.  But she had continued to progress more rapidly with this program than with any of the other therapies that they had tried.

Esther learning her alphabet while getting her hair combed,
after getting dressed and getting her glasses on.
While we are doing therapy with Esther we have Mozart
playing on our stereo for brain stimulation.

We researched the "Can Do" program, and found out that they would even be at our Christian Heritage Homeschool Convention!  Even though it was difficult to come up with the up front costs, we decided that it was the best time to start this program for Esther, as during the summer months I have less on my plate (homeschooling break) and it would be good to start this program before Esther's new sister come homes (her adoption should be finalized next winter).

Esther had her first evaluation at the beginning of May, and at that time I was also taught everything I needed to know to implement the program that they custom designed for Esther.  We will be sending in updates every two weeks and later every month.  We will have her re-evaluated every 4 months (that is how often they are in our area).  Can Do services 8 states (WA, ID, CA, ND/MN, MI, OH and NY) and families drive a long way to use their services.  Thankfully, we only have to drive about 1 hour away!

Here are some photos of Esther's therapy!

Esther leaning animal sounds while getting deep pressure massage
to her hand/arms/feet/legs.
Jessica is doing the massage in this photo.

Our therapy checklist for the week, and her daily meds/supplements
most of which go into her yogurt.
The penny bank and pennies is for fine motor skills
- she has to pick up the pennies and put them into the bank!
That is Daniel's job - to help Esther with this therapy.
You can also see "bite tubes" in a baggy.
The bite tubes are part of her mouth stimulation and for
strengthening her jaw for better speech later.

Esther gets a vibration massage to her hands a feet while she eats her yogurt
this helps develop her brain/body connection to help her overcome
her high pain tolerance and prepare her for potty training.
Here Rachel is working with Esther

Esther's memory cards.  She is learning the names of the items on the cards
both to say them and to point them out on command.
She can only do one at a time, but we are working to help her be able
to point to two in a row and then three, and then four.
You can see Carese is also at the table "playing" therapy.

These are photo cards that I made.  There is the word for the item in the photo on the back
We show her the word, and then the photo, and then the word again
She loves these cards and is saying more words now, as well as
pointing to the object in the photos!

Dayton is helping Esther learn her numbers.
All the children (except Carese) help Esther with different parts of her therapy
as each child is able - it's their "school" for the summer!

This is Carese - she stole this sucker/sponge that we use for mouth stimulation with Ether
She loves these (she's been teeting)
We use this with Esther,one is dipped in very warm water and swished around in Esther's moujt
The other one is put in very cold water and we alternate between the two.

Esther has many other therapies, but I'll save those for another post!

If you want to check into this program, check out their website - Can Do

They are a christian company who focus on teaching parents to work with their children at home to enable their children to reach their greatest potential - it's for children with any disabilities, even ADHD, dyslexia and Autism!

How Prolife Are You?

If you are like me, you will tell anyone who asks, that you are wholeheartedly pro-life   Since I was young the thought of abortion sickened me.  Beyond that I really did nothing to promote life.  That is what "PRO LIFE" means - that we promote life.  But I didn't.  Maybe I thought I did, but I didn't.

OK, so I always voted for pro-life candidates.  That was what it meant to be pro-life, right?  That was enough, right?

Then about 8 years ago I started going to the Walk For Life event locally here that supported our local pregnancy center.  Then a few years ago we began to regularly contribute to that pregnancy center.  Then in 2011 we attended the Whatcom County Pregnancy Clinic's annual dinner.  It was a wonderful event where I got to learn more about what they do to serve the women of our county.  Last year, we heard about a town (not our town), where the pregnancy clinic got serious about defending the life of the unborn, and used media to get the word out that abortion was not the only choice for women facing a crisis pregnancy.  You know what happened?  Nearly all the abortion facilities in that county closed - they were no longer needed.  Supporting your local crisis pregnancy center/clinic is the best way to stop abortion.  Governmental laws come and go, but the law of supply and demand will always win.  If there is a demand for abortion, abortionists will be in business to supply that service.  For them, it's all about the money.  So please, support your local pregnancy clinic and reduce/eliminate the demand for abortion in your community.  We support our clinic on a monthly basis, as well as attending their events - it's not that hard,and even $5 a month can help pay for a few pregnancy tests!

Also, did you know that some forms of chemical birth control allow for fertilization of the egg, but create a hostile environment in the womb, preventing implantation?  If you, like me, believe that life begins at fertilization (egg + sperm), then using these types of birth control should be unacceptable.  We need to get the word out about this!

So I'm good right?  I fight the good fight against abortion, right? I don't use birth control that can cause abortions. I can now be content with my stance of being pro-life, right?

Girl, born Feb 2009

Down syndrome,Postoperative CHD
(VSD after repair)

Sweet little Tina! 

In 2008 I gave birth to a little girl with Down Syndrome.  We had refused all prenatal genetic testing with every pregnancy as we knew that we would not do anything different if we knew that the baby I was carrying had a genetic disorder.  But I think I always thought that it would never happen to me.  As I got older, I would have some nights of lost sleep thinking about the possibility that the baby would have a genetic disorder, but they were few and far between.  When Esther was born, we were plunged into a new world.  One of the most startling pieces of information that I read in those early days was that 92% of unborn babies diagnosed as having Down Syndrome are aborted.  I just couldn't believe it.  I checked the facts and found that they are true.  Then I also read that there is a waiting list of families in the USA who WANT to adopt babies who are born with Down Syndrome.  At that time the list had over 200 families on it!  Incredible - 90% aborted while over 200 families wait to adopt those babies.  TRAGIC!   I did what I could and blogged about this situation, trying to get the word out about this situation, but I think my impact was small, to say the least.  Chask is a US agency that matches adoptive families with children born with birth defects.

Brandon, Born November 2005
Sweet little boy who was born with CP.  

When Esther was in the hospital in Seattle I had an amazing encounter with a lady that was just plain shocking to me.  I met her in the cafeteria.  She was sitting with what looked like two young adults with Down Syndrome. As I talked with her I found out that she was a single woman (looked to be in her 50s or 60s), and that she had adopted both of them!  She also shared with me that she had adopted a third baby boy with Down Syndrome, but that he had died due to his congenital heart defect at age 11/2.  She shared with me that she had adopted the son that was with her that day when he was a baby, that he had been rejected by his birth parents due to his having Down Syndrome.  She then went on to tell me a story that I will never forget.  She share with me that her daughter was now 52 years old (just 7 years older than me at that time), and that she had adopted her when her daughter was 26 years old.  She said that her daughter had been put in an "institution" for "people like her" when she was born.  This place was a place that I was aware of when I was growing up - if you thought someone was acting stupid, you would make fun of them  and tell them that they belonged at "Fircrest."  I really had no idea what that place was about, but I knew that it was a place for "dummies" and "retards."  Man, I hate that word, but that's another blog post!  Anyway, I found out from her that this woman that she adopted had spent her first 26 years in a crib.  She had always been fed with a bottle.  She could not feed herself, walk or talk when she was adopted.  People, do you realize that this means that this was going on right here in our country as late as 1982?  That is the year I graduated from high school.  This means that we were joking around about real people my age who were rejected by their families and put in an institution, living their lives out in cribs.  I was SHOCKED!  This "young" lady was politely eating her lunch and occasionally smiling in my direction.  Her mother shared that she still had no speech, but that she had learned to communicate with signs and gestures.  This mother deserves a medal, but she'll get her reward from her Lord and Savior, I know it!  She was so sweet that the next day I got word that I had a visitor - that same lady had gone out and purchased and stuffed animal for my Esther, and she sat and talked with me and encouraged me that day.

Aubrey - Girl, born Aug. 1999
Diagnoses: arthrogryposis; mental delay

Last year, my belief that I was doing "enough" in my pro-life activities was challenged more than ever before.  I came face to face with the reality of children who were not aborted, but had been abandoned or rejected by their parents at birth, or who had been removed from their families to protect them from a dangerous situation.  God has been relentless in His convicting me of the value of all life. Even lives that have been abandoned and rejected after birth.  Here I was reading about children in terrible orphanages, many were in situations like the one I had learned about that day back in 2008.  What used to happen here in the USA is still going on in Eastern European countries.  But I also read that there was hope - that there was a movement happening in the US and Canadian. Families were stepping up to the plate and working hard to either adopt these children  or help find them families.  This was happening on Reece's Rainbow.  You know this if you've been reading my blog for any length of time. This ministry is amazing, connecting orphans to families who can adopt, and connecting families who can't adopt but can help financially with those adoptive families who need financial help to facilitate these expensive adoptions.  It's a win, win situation!

But here is where this blog post came from.  God has sent his Hounds after me.  Relentlessly bringing to mind this concept of pro-life in action.  Over and over again these thoughts run through my brain.  Can we say we are pro-life, and yet do nothing to help these little ones?  Can we say we are pro-life and yet turn away when we see a child or adult with a disability?  Can we say we are pro-life and yet stop reading about these lost children because it's too hard to read?  God keeps asking me to think about what it would be like to be that person.  Think with me about this.  These children did nothing and yet they were born with some defect that is unacceptable in their culture, or their medical care is too expensive for their family to deal with.  So, on top of dealing with health issues, they have no one.  Their hospital stays for surgeries or illnesses do not include being rocked by their mommy or visits from siblings or new toys to play with.  Their days are not spent in colorful rooms or in therapies to help them overcome their disabilities.  They lay in cribs in stark rooms with no toys, pillow, or even blankets.  Some of them only get one bottle a day, and many of them only get their gigantic diapers changed once a day.  Many of them are drugged continuously to keep them docile and quiet.  Newborn babies are left in a "crying room" until they learn that their needs will not be met, that they should be quiet and just wait for their scheduled bottles and diaper changes.

Boy, born May 2000
Frank is listed with a moderate mental delay.
He could use a family to help
him reach his full potential!

I KNOW!  You don't want to read that. I didn't want to read that.  I don't want to picture those babies crying without consolation.   So many times I have had to turn away or my heart would crumble.  Sometimes I felt like I might even be physically sick when I read about the situation these children were in.

I felt so useless.

But there was more - the stories coming out of these orphanage sound like something from Nazi Germany in WWII.  Sometimes I would find myself shutting down - I just couldn't take anymore.  But then later, God would show me more.  I would read about these children being transferred to adult mental institutions and that 90% of those die in the first year.

And then I SAW IT HAPPEN!

Children who had adoptive families, whose blogs I had read, were getting word that their child, in adult mental institutions at the ripe old age of 4, 6, 8 were dead.  They had become that statistic.  I had seen their faces, I had seen the love that these families had to their children, and yet they died before ever knowing that love. Oh, Lord God, this is killing me - I just checked the memorial page of Reece's Rainbow and  I KNOW the first three shown there - Sasha, Stacy and Declan.  Each of them precious, each of them being adopted, yet leaving this life never knowing the love of a family.  It is still too hard for me.  Please, God, preserve Priscilla until we can come and ransom her!

I still feel so useless.

BUT there's more.

It's not just the "defective" that are left to rot in orphanages over there.  There are children in orphanages that have no physical, mental or developmental delays.  They end up in orphanages for many reasons - alcoholism,  poverty, child abuse, death of their parents etc.  But once a child is no longer a baby, they become practically un-adoptable.  And the longer they live in an orphanage the more damaged they become.  But they are not ir-repairable.  You might think, "They'll be OK.  When they grow up they'll get out of the orphanage and go on to lead normal lives."

WRONG.

When these children "age out" of the orphanage, they are turned out of the orphanage the day they turn 16, with about $50 in their pocket and the clothes on their back. Most of them have had NO school.  They are not skilled in any type of work.  Over 10% of them commit suicide by the time they turn 18.  Over 60% of the girls end up in the sex trade and over 70% of the boys become hardened criminals.  But this doesn't have to happen.

At least,if you think as I did, children in the USA are better cared for.  That is true in many cases, but so many children experience the hardships of the foster care system their entire life.  I read recently that 70% of the prison population today are people that grew up in the foster care system.  Granted, the foster care system has improved a lot, but foster care will always lack the permanence that only an adoptive family can give to an orphan.  Do an internet search for US orphans, or check out Rainbow Kids or Adopt US Kids to see the children available for adoption right here in our country!

OK, so the "system" is broken beyond repair, at least it seems this way.  What can be done?

How can adopting one child make any difference when there are thousands in those places.

Well, for starters, adopting one child will change that child's world.

We can't all pick up and move to a foreign country to lobby for change.

 Not everyone is called to adopt either.  God doesn't work that way.  God calls each of His children in different ways.

But I think everyone should consider what they can do.  What God is asking them to do.  God's word shows us over and over again that He cares what happens to orphans.  Click on that link and you will read God's heart towards orphans and fatherless children.

There are so many ways that we can help.

SERENITY and ANITA
for the Joss family — WA

Some are so easy - share the plight of these children.  Share an orphan on your Facebook page and help their "forever family" find them.  Blog about an orphan.  Share the needs of a family who is in the process of adoption.  Pray for these children and these families.  Get the word out about these children and their situations.

Some take a little more work - commit to being an advocate for an orphan or adoptive family.  Donate some of your hard earned money to help these adoptions.  Create items that you can donate to auctions that benefit these adoptive families and orphans.

You will be blessed as you see God work in these lives.  I have!

Have you even thought about helping a family who does foster care, of a family who has adopted a child out of the foster care system?  I hadn't even thought about it until this week.

Maybe God is calling you to adopt, or maybe just asking you to consider it.  Please do not ignore that still small voice.

Remember, adoption is not about you and it's not about me.  It's not about getting that child you wanted.  The boy you never had.  The girl you wanted when you only got boys.

I always thought that adoption was for couples who had trouble having children of their own.  But now I see it so differently.

Adoption is about the children.

I am not adopting because I want another baby.  That may or may not be obvious ;)  I am not adopting because I want a girl, or I want a boy.  I am not adopting because I need to do this to feel good about myself.  I'm not even doing this so others will think more highly of me.

I am doing this because God has called us to adopt Priscilla.

I am doing this to expose these acts of Satan on the least of these, so that God's people will stand up against the face of evil and DO SOMETHING for these children whom God loves.

Remember that Sunday School song - "Jesus love the little children, all the children of the world...'?  It is true.  He loves them.  He wants to see every orphan experience the love of a family.

Last Sunday, our pastor preached about the gift of salvation.  All that Christ did for us.  He died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins so that we could be made righteous.  He was preaching from I Corinthians 15.  His sermon ended with this thought - Since Christ has done so much for us, how then shall we live?  He challenged us that when we follow God's leading, we might be/will be required to do something that requires getting out of our comfort zone.  He listed losing sleep, giving up our comfort zone, using our free time, spending money (I think he said "all your money), being criticized and more. He said that it might hurt, and then reminded us that it hurt when Jesus died for us, A LOT.  Today we are not usually called to die a horrendous death for our faith, but are we willing to follow God's call when it means sacrificing something?   I took this to heart and applied it to our adoption.

You know, adoption has taken on a whole new look to me.  No longer do I see adoption as an option for couples struggling with fertility (although there is nothing wrong with this), but I see adoption as a calling.  I see it as an earthly representation of what our Heavenly Father has done for us.  We did not know Him. We did absolutely nothing to deserve His love.  He sacrificed everything to make us His child.  He loved us before we even knew He existed.  He loved us even when we were broken, defective, unlovable.  By following God's call to adopt Priscilla, I see His love working in us.  I can see His love for us in a small way in our love for Priscilla.

God says in His word that Children Are A Blessing.  He doesn't say that biological children are a blessing.  He doesn't say that perfect children are a blessing.  He says ALL CHILDREN are a blessing.

What is God calling you to do to aid orphans?  What blessing is He calling you to sacrifice for?

How Pro-Life are you?

A video I found on Rainbow Kids:

Count Your Blessings

I'm going to copy my blog post from our adoption blog today, as the events with our adoption in the past 2 weeks are just plain amazing!

God's Amazing Grace.

Where to start.  The last time I blogged, I had opened a savings account so I'd have a place to hold any money donated as we work to bring in the funds needed for our I800a ($1100) and our dossier (roughly $6000, including postage and document preparation).  Since then it seems that on every turn, the Lord is granting us grace.

Did you know that the term "Grace" is defined as unmerited favor?  I was pondering on that today as I was driving home from gleaners, overwhelmed by God's amazing outpouring of blessings over the past week.  Who am I, Who are we, to be given such amazing grace?  We aren't all the special.  We aren't even that great of parents.  I see so many other parents who are doing what seems to be so much more for their children.  I am so flawed.  I am so inadequate.  I am so not the energizer bunny.  I am so inherently selfish.  I am so easily tempted to take the easy way, to give in to selfish interests, to escaping from the things that matter to do things that are a complete waste of time.  But that is the amazing thing about God.  He doesn't give us what we deserve.  He doesn't give us what we have earned.  He doesn't give us what will get us by.  He gives to us with amazing generosity according to His will for us, regardless of our merit.

I know, some of you will say, "but look at how great your older kids have turned out!"  And yes, our older children are all amazing young adults.  But I can't take credit for that!  I made so many mistakes as a young mother, and as a not-so-young mother.  God has led and directed our lives and stepped in to shown us so many things that have changed who we are as parents over the years, but He has also worked in their lives to work His good will.  I can not take credit for the good that I see in our children.  God gets all the credit.  I know that without His grace, I would have failed miserably as a parent.

But God has taught me so much.  He has taught us so much.  I have come so far.  I praise God for the dynamics of our family today.  We are not perfect, we are all sinners living together under one roof.  We sin against each other, we get impatient with each other.  But we all love each other and are quick to forgive and forget.  And He has drawn us to walk down a road that surprises even us.

So many times since we started down this road I have questioned the wisdom of this.  How can I care for one more, how can I learn to care for a child damaged from living in an institution?  How can I continued to meet the needs of the children I already have and another child with medical and special needs?  How in the world can we afford to adopt when we have never even had a saving account when we seem to have more month than money most of the time?

But God keeps stepping in and showing me that this is NOT about me.  This is not even about US.  This is about HIM.  Look at every man and woman who is in the hall of fame in the Bible and you will see flawed people il-equipped for the job that God gave them.  You will see parents who make mistakes, people who sinned greatly, even people who didn't learn from their mistakes.  But you will see a God who orchestrates HIS will regardless of the worth of the people He chose to use.

I just wanted to share with you that I have doubts, I feel ill-equipped to take this new adventure on, but God continues to show us that this is HIS will.  And so many times, when people follow God's leading, everyone, even those called, feel that it is crazy, reckless and ill-advised.  But God does know what He is doing.  Every time.

So, now to specifics.  I'm going to list my recent doubts, and then how God has answered...

We have not met the standards of BCS to pass our home study, how will we adopt Priscilla now?  God knew what was best.  Being rejected by BCS, although it looked like a dead end, was in reality a ticket for an upgrade!  Our new home study agency,  Adoption Home Study Service, has been a breath of fresh air.  Mike has answered our questions quickly and patiently.  His visit with us last Thursday was comfortable and friendly.  Esther was even sharing a book with the social worker that Mike brought with him once she warmed up to them.  He found nothing that would prevent us from being approved, but did give us a little home work (we need to install 2 more fire extinguishers and create a couple of documents).  He plans to have our home study completed in under 3 weeks from now!  It was definitely an upgrade to switch to Mike's home study agency!

How can we afford this?  God has already caused Daryl's boss to grant him an unexpected bonus, then last week a raise, and now he has the opportunity to work overtime.  He has blessed my business when we needed it to make ends meet.  People have stepped in to donate towards the spaghetti feed to cover the supplies we needed.  We were able to sell some exercise equipment to cover the cost of some documents.  Our tax return covered our commitment fees, as well as our home study fees and also pay off our dental bill from this past winter.  And to top it all off, we now have a family stepping in to match all funds raised in the next 5 weeks!  It is not if WE can afford it, it is really a question of How is He going to provide.

How can I handle another child with special/medical needs?  Looking back, I was not equipped in the slightest when Esther was given to us.  But God knew that, and He gave her to us anyway.  We are being equipped for this every day, every hour.  And He will give us the grace we need when we need it.  He has always come through in the past, and I must trust.  But I must also prepare.  I'm reading about attachment disorders, sensory disorders and we will be working with a team at the University of Washington to prepare for her medical needs. Looking into the future is futile as a  human.  We can't change it or even know what is coming.  We can prepare for probably situations.  But I know from experience that God does put us in situations where we can only go on by His grace.  And I know from experience, that it is not that bad a place to be in...it is an amazing place to be in.

Another year without a swing set for our younger children (we had planned to use our tax return to purchase a new play set for the kids as swinging is great for kids, especially for Esther right now).  Last week a family we know locally asked if we wanted their "old" swing set.  Now we have a 4 year old swing set just the right size for Esther (as well as Dayton, Elizabeth and Carese soon).  And just in time for the wonderful sunny weather we are having around here! (photos courtesy of our daughter, Rachel).

What if the spaghetti feed is a bust....we can't afford to purchase the supplies even!  Well, I still have no idea if we'll have a decent attendance  but in the last couple of weeks we've had lots of encouragement in the way of donations - gift cards for businesses, commitments to cover all the noodles, half the sauce, and all of the corn.  Plus two families have donated $100 ea for us to use to purchase the remaining ingredients.  I'm still not sure if it will cover everything, but I'm sure we are close!

You know, adopting Priscilla is such an amazing picture of God's grace.  She doesn't know about us,  she doesn't understand that God is working to ransom her.  She has no idea.  She has done absolutely nothing to earn our love.  She has nothing to offer us.  She is seen by the world as flawed.  She is seen by her culture as unworthy of keeping, even seen as a curse by some.  But God sees her a His child.  His creation.  Worth of everything it takes to ransom her.  To save her life.  To give her love.  To give her a place to call home.  He's done this for me.  I did not deserve His love, I did not deserve anything, but He loved me enough to die for me and adopt me as His child.  To pay the ultimate price. I hope you have experienced His amazing grace in your life.  I pray that someday Priscilla will experience and know God's amazing grace and that she too will become His child.

So, here we are.  Experiencing God's amazing grace.  Unmerited.  Undeserved. Unlimited.

We will work hard to be faithful to His call, His provision, His mercy.

Will you work with us?  Will you help us to make the most of this gift of a matching grant?  Please share our story. No, wait.  It isn't our story, it's His Story!  Please share what God is doing to ransom our Priscilla.  Share how He is moving mountains to give this little one a new life, a new home, and a new family.

And just to be clear.  The matching grant offered to us is not limited to funds sent to Reece's Rainbow or to monetary gifts.  They have offered to match dollar for dollar all funds raised whether it is via Reece's Rainbow, our FundraiZr account, directly to our paypal account, donated to us in person or even if it is an item donated for auctions or raffles.  Amazing, just Amazing!

37 days to see miracles happen!

Updates on Carese and Esther!

Waiting to go back into the OR

10 days post surgery, taking a nap on mom
while she fills out adoption paperwork!

I forgot to blog about Esther's surgery here!  You can read all about  it and see her adorable photos on This Blog Post.  She and I got in lots of snuggle time during her recovery!  She's all better now and getting into trouble again!  She's just so stinking busy now!



We are  now working on getting her glasses replaced (1 pair lost, the other pair broken, and the third pair she won't wear!).  She is on new insurance, so we can't get new frames for the one that broke.  We also lost one of her foot braces, so we had an appointment yesterday for that.  She was so happy to be out and about again.  Staying home all fall/early winter was hard on her as she LOVES to go "bye bye".  She was so social, saying "hi" to people everywhere we went.

Carese is now walking.  She takes 4 - 5 steps at a time.  She's just so stinking adorable!  She's still wearing 6 months clothing, so when she walks around she looks just so tiny!  She's lost a few ounces in the last month due to starting to walk, so I am now trying to add some new "fattening" foods to her diet and pushing some that she already eats - bananas, avocados and such.

 And here is our strange cat, Sweetie, playing on the ice.  She would stalk around and then jump straight into the air for no apparent reason other than trying to make herself slip!  She also plays with falling snow - jumping high into the air to try to catch the flakes.  Such an entertainer!

We have a BIG Announcement.....

Are you sitting down?

Take a really good look at that family photo....do you see what I see?  Right there, in front of Rebekah and just to the left of Daryl, behind Dayton....do you see it?  It's an empty spot.  It's a spot we are going to be trying to fill this year....

WE ARE ADOPTING...at least we are stepping forth in faith to attempt to adopt.  Whether or not we can pass all the tests we really don't know, but we have been researching for months and have not yet found anything that would disqualify us from adopting.  Well, there is the question of both parents being of sound mind, and our adopting when we already have a house full  will cause most people to think that we are no longer in our right mind.  But let me explain how and why we came to this decision.

If you have been following my blog, you already know that I have a heart for orphans.  What you don't know is that I have always had a heart for adoption.  When I was in high school, I read the book "The Family Nobody Wanted" that was about a family who adopted lots of kids and I just loved their story.  My friends from my youth will remember me telling them that if I have 4 boys, I'd adopt a girl...I've offered to adopt relatives and we've taken in several young ladies through the years to help them through a tough time in their lives.  I love to invest in children's lives and I praise God for the opportunities He has given me in the past.  Opportunities to be used by Him to make a difference in someone's life.  Opportunities to serve God by serving others.

Starting last spring, just after Carese was born, Daryl and I started talking about adoption.  Mostly we were talking about the orphans that I was advocating for.  But our discussions also included talking about whether or not we could adopt one of these little ones who need so badly to be saved from their awful situations.  But each discussion ended with, it just won't work for us, right now.

Until last November.  This time, after reading a blog post about adoption and how freeing it was for this family to learn to let go of the desire for "things" and focus their money and time into saving two children from Eastern European orphanages, our discussion ended with "it's time to move forward and  see if this is what God wants us to do."  We began to seriously look into the possibility of adopting a child with Down Syndrome from Eastern European Countries.  These children are in desperate situations, and we fell that God is calling us to use all the knowledge/skills/understanding that we have learned through loving and caring for our precious Esther.

Around that time I really got excited because I got a glimpse into how God has been setting things up for this time.  Over the last few months, Daryl has been working overtime, and I've been involved with a gleaners group and the combination has packed our larder.  We can live very inexpensively for a long time.  On top of that with some hard work, plus our tax return, plus fund raising and grants, but most of all with God pulling a few miracles off for us, we felt that this was indeed something possible for our family.

So we presented this idea to the children.  A few of the older children were aware the Daryl and I had been talking about the possibility of adoption and we knew that they were in favor of the idea.  But the children's response to our commitment to pursuing adoption was beyond anything I had expected!

All morning long they were brainstorming with me about ways that we could live on less and save the difference.  Some of the things that they voted on to agree to do without until the adoption process is finished are Little Caesar's Pizza, cold cereal, no DVD rental.   I took a nap that day and when I woke up the kids had decorated a canning jar with fabric, buttons, a bow and the words "Bring Her Home" on it.  We scoured our rooms and put all the change we could find into the jar. 

At that time we found an adorable little girl that we hoped to adopt.  Only we found out after some initial paperwork, and someone actually talking to a judge in a particular Eastern European country, that even though they allow "large families" to adopt, their definition of large families is no more than 7 children.  We tried for an exemption since only 7 of our children living at home are dependents, the other 3 are over 18.  We were told that the official even said "we have fewer children in some of our orphanages than that family has in their home!"  They just don't get it.  

We were disappointed and felt like this was a real set back.  We decided that since the holidays were approaching rapidly, and since Esther was having surgery soon after that, we would put adoption thoughts on hold until things were settled after her surgery.  But we did some leg work.  We found another country that was open to families of our size adopting from their country and began some paperwork with an agency, About a Child, that has a great history with adoptions from that country and working with large families.  We also looked into home study providers in our area and started paperwork with Bethany Christian Services.

We also looked at children available from that country.  Checking new children whose files became available as well.  But we just didn't find one that we felt led to adopt.

Until.Last.Week.  Esther was recovered from her surgery (at least she was off pain meds and beginning to be very active - i.e. getting into trouble/wanting to go outside and such), so I decided to take a look to see if there were any new children from the country we were looking to adopt from.  There were.  I forwarded the link to Daryl and the conversation was picked up once again.  The next day, Daryl send me an email stating that this was his written approval to begin the process to try to adopt a particular child that we had found.  He was so sweet to do this as then I knew that he was 100% ready to go and that he knew that I was ready and doing it for the right reasons (most of our recent discussions were about why we would pursue an adoption).

In the last week and a half, we have submitted the money to begin our home study, filled out more paperwork than it takes to buy a house, handed out referrals and picked up a new/used printer/scanner/copier as we'll need it for this process!  I also moved up our tax appointment and will have our tax return submitted by the end of this week!  I've made appointments for nearly all our family members to have physicals done (our family physician has generously agreed to do this for us all at once, and at an extremely discounted rate!), and tomorrow the 5 adults are all going in for fingerprinting/FBI background checks!

I can't say more about exactly who we are attempting to adopt until we are legally/officially committed to this child.  That means sending in our commitment fee and some initial paperwork that is sent to the country we are adopting from, and they agree that we are good candidates to adopt and they accept our commitment.  At that point she is no longer available for international adoption unless we have to quit the adoption process for some reason.  There are no guarantees, as an in-country family could still adopt her, or a family member step forward, or the child could become too ill to leave the country (or even die - this has happened).

We've now told most of our close friends and family, and have found more excitement and support than I could have imagined.  I hope that you, my readers, will also be excited for us as we begin this life changing adventure!

Please pray with us for favor with the application process, and that the funds will be in place as we need them as we complete our home study and prepare our dossier.  Please pray that the little one we are hoping to adopt will continue in good health and that we will find favor with the officials in that country.

Just to give you some idea of the cost of adopting from an Eastern European Country, you can check out these stats:

Home Study - $4 - $5,000
Adoption Agency fees - $3 - $5,000
Program Fees (paid to the orphans country) - $10,000 - $17,000
Finger Printing/Background Check - $200
Plus misc expenses along the way that can reach to $1000 or more.
Traveling Expenses - $2,000 - $8,000 depending on the time of year!

As you can see you'd have to be independently wealthy to accomplish this.  Most families who can adopt, can't afford it!  You can see why.  We are committed to now incurring any debt to adopt this child, and I know that God can do this if it is in His will for our family.  Pray that we will follow His lead.

If you are interested in helping us with our early expenses (most grants are not awarded until the home study is completed or once you have been approved to travel to the country the first time), please email me and I'll let you know how you can help.  Right now we are looking at around $6,000 that we still need to raise before we can submit our dossier.  

Stay tuned for links to fund raising efforts!

Here's a few things that keep running through my thoughts lately"

"God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supply." - Hudson Taylor

James 1:27 - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."