This is a letter of sorts that I wrote just over a month ago. I have waited to post is until I had the opportunity to give it to each of my immediate family members and interact with them about it. I also wanted to wait and see where God was leading me and know that this was really the life changer that I thought it was. The first part is a kind of "cover letter" explaining why I wrote this and was especially important when I was giving this to people who I love and from whom I had hidden so much from. So, without further explanation, here it is:
This is my testimony of sorts, relating to the past few years
as I reeled and staggered through trials and hardships and turned my
back on God, which landed me in a world of darkness, despair and
depression. How I attempted to cope erroneously, causing me to
flounder again, sinking into the blackness.
I
share this with you because I have lived the secret life of darkness
in front of you and I am sure you sensed that something was terribly
wrong with me. I allowed my sin to cause pain to those I love, and
to make our home unpleasant and unproductive. I am grieved that I
have caused you pain and sinned against you so many times, lashing
out in anger and pain and even pointing out your faults and sins when
mine were so great they were causing me to drown, as I pulled you
with me. I am so sorry for being such a poor example to you. I will
be praying that God will use what you have witnessed in me to draw
you closer to Him. That He will enable you to avoid going down this
same road in your lifetime.
Please
forgive me. Please pray for me. Please do not let the hurts I have
inflicted on you to fester, but bring them to God to find healing and
peace.
My Journey Into
Darkness and Out Again by Grace
I am writing this as a
testimony to what I have come to understand as a huge shortcoming in
my life and how God, in His amazing grace and patience waited
patiently for me while I foolishly stumbled into the darkest valley
of my life, until I finally was able to hear His voice and follow His
call to find my way back into His light.
I believe this began long
ago, but this sin/foolishness took a long time to bear the ugly fruit
that overcame me this past year. I did not understand that I even
held the erroneous belief because it was so subtle.
I have face trials and
hardships in my life by reaffirming my beliefs about God, who He is,
what He desires of me and what His promises are. While that is
correct, it is missing the most critical aspect of being a child of
God. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
For years I was able to “get
by” and not even realize that I held this erroneous beliefs, until
the past year or so, with multiple trials and afflictions, when I
came face to face with my foolishness. I reached a place of
darkness, pain and despair that I have never reached before. My pain
was so great that I recoiled, reeled...staggered under it. The
beginning of the slide into darkness began in the winter of 2013. I
began to allow painful situations to fest. I did not come to God to
seek understanding of His purpose for the trials in my life. As time
went by more trials and disappointments and pain were added, piling
up, but I would stuff my pain and confusion and “try not to think
about it.”
This began a process of
drifting away from God. I allowed my quiet time and prayer to become
more infrequent and more something to do and a meeting of myself with
God. I was becoming more and more inwardly focused. The more
inwardly focused I became, the more responsibilities I gave up on,
the more I saw myself failing as a wife, mother and friend. The
feelings of failure led to feelings of guilt until I began to further
withdraw into my self to avoid the guilt, pain, and shame. Even
going to church was more that I could face more often than not.
All of this withdrawing was
well in place when, in May, I got word that a very dear friend, whom I had lost touch with in recent years, had committed suicide, and in ube, we received the diagnosis that my grandson,
Matthew, has Trisomy 18 and was not expected to live after birth, if
he lived that long. That began a time of completely shutting
down...emotionally and spiritually. This also marked the beginning
of physical and medical difficulties for m (chronic back pain,
repeated sinus infections, tooth abstractions and stomach problems).
Adding to all of that Christy was diagnosed with sleep apnea that
required her to have oxygen via a nasal cannula while she slept.
This let to late nights and subsequently to sleep deprivation for me.
Instead of running to God
and pleading for His grace and strength, I shut down, turned inward,
began escaping reality in whatever way I could find. I believe that
much of my physical hardships were brought on or increased by my
stuffing my problems instead of clinging to God and admitting my
inadequacy.
IN August I suffered yet another sinus infection and also
had to have a tooth removed in September, and ended up with a jaw infection. I
spent entire days in my bedroom, shutting out everyone and
everything, escaping into the world of an online “sim” game. I
sought comfort from strangers instead of God...sought companionship
from those who would expect nothing from me..sought to escape from
the pain and misery that surrounded me in the real world.
Mathew's death and birth was
a turning point for me, but not in a good way. I survived those
three days by focusing on what I needed to do next for Jessica and
Jon. I went three days without any sleep. Witnessing the silent
moments after his birth broke me. I had to leave, I nearly passed
out. Alone I cried as I have never cried before. And then I went
on. I did not cry out to God, I did not share my grief with anyone.
I just did the next thing, even when I couldn't stop crying anytime I
was alone. I sought help in the refuge of sleeping pills. Be busy
or sleep was my goal each day. I recoiled, I withdrew, I was
free-falling into a dark pit of despair. I reeled and staggered
under the weight of this loss. The disappointment was beyond my
ability to comprehend. I had to do whatever it took to escape the
pain. I quit reading the Bible, I avoided prayer. Going to my place
where I have my quiet time would mean facing this raw pain. I just
couldn't do it. I could not even speak to another living soul of
what I was going through. How the memory of that day was hitting me
at odd moments, and the raw pain would come back like a knife. I
began to feel fragile, as though it would take just a small thing and
my tenuous hold onto reality would break. I even began to have panic
attacks when anything presented itself as a crisis (big or small).
My back pain grew to epic proportions and I had to seek both
chiropractic help and physical therapy, but they only eased the back
pain enough for me to function for a few days at a time. I began to
be on muscle relaxants full time. The anti-inflammatories I had been
taking shredded my stomach and I was no longer able to take those
after a time.
Just before Thanksgiving I
knew I needed to do something. I knew I needed help when I began to
have thoughts of wanting to really escape. Run away. It was all
just too much. I know I had to do something, I knew I was fragile,
about to break. I felt would up so tight I was going to explode.
The emotions I was holding inside were creating a pressure that was
reaching a breaking point. I reached out and asked close friends to
pray for me. I sought counsel from a pastor as well as friends who
had or were dealing with grief. I began to read the right book. I
thought I was finding the answers. I found some relief. I was no
longer alone in my pain and despair. I found comfort in God's
promises and reassurance in what I believed about God.
I thought I was doing the
right thing and that eventually everything would work itself out and
that I could find a new, healthy normal again.
But I was wrong, seriously
wrong, only I didn't know it yet, not for quite a while. These
coping attempts had worked for me in the past, but they were leaving
me without any true relief. I felt as though God had turned His back
on me. My infrequent prayers seemed to die as I uttered them. My
relief was temporal and short lived. My grief and disappointments,
despair and discouragement were just below the surface. Still very
much there and could crash in on me at the slightest provocation and
overwhelm me.
I continued to have ever
increasing medical problems....High blood pressure became a constant
problem, my back problems hit an all time worst, my stomach was
diagnose as having erosive gastropathy (the lining of my stomach was
being eroded away), and my hormones were completely wreaking havoc on
me. The reality of my friend's suicide began to torment my dreams,
I'd even think I saw her here and there when I was out of the house
running errands. I was finding less comfort in the books that I was
reading and felt a wall between me and any friends. I couldn't speak
of my heartache without feeling that I would be engulfed and overcome
if I even dared to voice my pain.. My physical problems created
crises that put me in the hospital twice. I asked people to pray for
me, yet I could not pray.
The walls I had erected to
protect myself were firmly back in place. My quiet times once again
decreased and my escaping and stuffing instincts returned, only
stronger now.
Things began to improve
physically as I began to get to the root of a few of my problems and
get the treatments and medications I need to address them. But
spiritually and emotionally things were not improving. I was able to
get an injection in my back that relieved me of all back pain for
eight weeks and I began to feel like I could actually do things again
and began to tackle home projects that had been pushed to back
burners for months. But nothing was taking away the pressure that
was building inside of me. It would show up in bursts of anger, in
an underlying state of being easily irritated. I was unable to find
joy in anything. At the end of April, I attended a new Bible Study
and while there, amidst friends, I felt like a foreigner. Like the
Bible was not mine, that prayer was something foreign to me. I felt
out of place and like a hypocrite. I no longer belonged in a Bible
Study. My back pain began to come back during that week, so I made an
appointment with the Pain Clinic for the day after we came home from
Colorado.
The next day came my big
trip to Colorado with two of our children who were competing at the
national level of Bible Quizzing. Somehow everything came together
to enable me to go with them. I was feeling quite healthy and I
seemed to be able to get things together enough at home to cover the
care of the children who remained home. The first night of the
conference I attended the worship service and the music went right
into me. I couldn't sing it. I could not honestly sing those
lyrics. But they revealed to me something that I had not seen
before. God opened my eyes to the fact that I was in bondage, in
slavery. I could not honestly sing praise to God. The theme of the
conference was Galatians 4:7 and it was there right across the
stage...”No longer a slave, but a Child Of God.” And the song,
“
No Longer
Slaves” was sung and tore into my soul. I couldn't sing,
all I could do was hang my head while tears coursed down my face.
The words rushed through me...
You unravel me with a
melody,
You surround me with a song of deliverance from my
enemies
'Til all my fears are gone...
I'm no longer a slave to
fear, I am a child of God.
From my mother's womb You have chosen
me,
Love has called my name, I've been born again into Your
family,
Your blood flow through my veins...
I'm no longer a
slave to fear, I am a Child of God!
I am surrounded by the arms
of the Father,
I am surrounded by songs of deliverance,
{I've}
been liberated from {my} bondage...
I am a Child of God.
I knew that God was moving
in me, but I couldn't quite grasp what He was showing me. Before I
had time to really think it through, the service was over and I got
very busy with the quizzing. Each day, this would repeat. I'd cry
through the worship service, and I just knew God was trying to get me
to see, but I just couldn't. I'd leave each day without answers.
Saturday night I stayed up really late and got to share some of my
struggles with another mother there. But I knew that I was only
sharing that I was in a dark place, that I had railed miserably and
had turned my back on God....that I had reeled, staggered under the
grief. She said she would pray for me. The next day it was the day
we went home. Busy long day of traveling.
The next day I went to my
Bible Study (the first one I've attended in over 4 years). At the
end I shared with them that I knew God was trying to show me
something, and that I had been through the hardest year of my life
and had failed. I asked that they would pray that I would be able to
find time to be quiet before the Lord and see what He was trying to
show me. I asked them to pray but once again I did not pray myself.
I went to the Pain Clinic
that afternoon and they said that I could have another injection
since it had worked for two months, that I might find longer relief
with a second one. I was able to make an appointment for another SI
injection for the very next day!
I didn't have to wait long
for that answer. That very evening when I came home I went straight
to my bedroom. I didn't even want to eat dinner. I grabbed my
notebook and a pen and began to pray, and cry and write. And then it
dawned on me...I finally heard what God was trying to tell me, to
teach me.
I needed Him. I needed to
come to Him broken, empty and worthless. I had to admit defeat. I
had to embrace the fact that I had turned to works to save me from my
trials and heartache. I had been attempting to fix myself. My faith
was in my faith, my strength was depending on the strength of my
convictions. I had missed the most critical aspect of being a child
of God...God Himself. I had to understand and embrace the fact that
I am completely and utterly unable to do anything without His
enabling, and that His enablings only come when I have come to Him,
empty and broken and humble and seek His face, His grace. I had only
prayed at the end of my efforts, like He was the last resort, only to
go to when all other efforts had failed. I only sough His help to
fill the gaps left from my works.
But these coping mechanisms
were just that, mechanisms. And they were useless to carry me
through the severe trials. I had failed God.
I opened my heart and soul
and cried out to God. I wrote even as I cried and prayed, not even
looking at the page. I confessed my sins of being self centered and
self righteous. I asked Him to forgive me for turning my back on
Him. I beseeched Jesus to teach me to truly become like Him. I
confessed my sin of daring to blame others for the mess I had become.
I confessed to sinning like Peter and taking my eyes off my Savior
and giving into the waves of fear and doubt and sinking into the
blackest of oceans. I confessed that I had listened to my deceitful
and arrogant heart and had walked astray. I begged God to teach me
to cling to Him and Him alone. To free me from the bondage to fear,
and my slavery to sin. I begged Him to open my eyes to be able to
see myself as He sees me. To see my sins so that I could confess
them.
Then I looked up scripture
that spoke of comfort and peace (the idea just came to me then). I
knew I needed both and that I could only find them in Christ, and
only as a gift from God, not of my own doing. I used the scripture
to pray...I begged Him to create in me a clean heart, a deep abiding
love for Him, a passion to serve Him in all I do, to take away my
arrogance and pride and self-centeredness, to teach me to be others
minded and selfless, to rescue me, to create in me the instinct to
run to Him when facing trials, to enable me to sing His praise and to
worship Him in truth, to create in me an appreciation for all He has
and is doing for me, to grant me an abiding, soul deep ability to
know Him as my only comfort ans strength, me ever present help in
trouble, to lead me beside still waters and comfort my soul, to trust
that He is always with me and that His plans for me are good, and to
cause me to become more like Jesus, to teach me to not allow my heart
to become troubled, to not give in to hear, to enable me to put my
hope in Him alone, to enable me to praise Him even in the midst of
the darkest storm, to enable me to not worry about anything but to
come to Him in prayer.
He began to answer my
prayers even as I was writing them. I began to feel a sense of peace
and to feel the heavy darkness lift.
Since my time at the
conference, I have heard the song, “No Longer Slaves”, over and
over again (I had never listened to the words before), as well as
others, and they continued to minister to me and steer my thoughts
back to God. After pouring my heart out to the Lord that night, I
was beginning to find peace and feel the hope of finding the end of
my journey through the darkness. But I had to return to “reality.”
I told no one, I needed time for this to settle. The very next
morning, I opened my Bible to where I had last been reading in the
Psalms (months ago). It was Psalm 107. What I read astounded me.
Right there I read what could have been written about me. Words and
phrases that depicted my self inflicted free fall into darkness....
”they wandered....hungry
and thirsty...soul fainted within...
then they cried out to the
Lord in their trouble;
He delivered them out
of their distresses...
Give thanks...For He has
satisfied the thirsty soul....
There were those who
dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death,
prisoners in misery and
chains.
Because they had rebelled
against the words of God
and spurned the counsel of
the Most High...
They stumbled and there
was none to help.
Then they cried out to the
Lord in their trouble;
He saved them out of their
darkness and the shadow of death
And broke their bands
apart.
He sent His word and
healed them....
Their soul melted away in
their misery,
they reeled and
staggered and were at their wit's end.
Then they cried out to the
Lord in their trouble
and He brought them out of
their distresses.
He caused the storm to
be still so that the waves of the sea were hushed,
then they were glad
because they were quiet.
What
also struck me was that in this passage the author stated over and
over, “let them give thanks to the Lord” and then in vs 22
“...and tell of His works with joyful singing” and in vs 32 “Let
them extol Him also in the congregation of the people.”
So I
must not remain silent. I must share my story and what God has done
for me. I was a fool and I embraced my pain as I turned my back on
God. But I thank God that He was patiently waiting for the day that
I would hear His voice and see His plan for me. I praise Him that He
opened my eyes and ears and enabled me to hear His voice.
I have
a long road ahead of me. To break the patterns and habits that led
me into darkness. To confess my many sins against my family and
friends. To cling to my Lord when the waves threaten to cover me
again. I praise Him, for He does all things well. I will be
learning to trust Him as I have never trusted Him before, and to
praise Him even when I am in the midst of the storm.
Since
that time I have begun to enjoy the Bible Study and have returned to
my prayer journals and have been working to and asking God to remind
me to come to Him when difficulties come. I still find myself trying
to go it alone, but I am also running to Him as well, so I'm making
strides in the right direction. My back pain was relieved for only
two weeks, so I am once again dealing with back pain on a daily
basis. I had my follow up appointment and the options given to me
were not ones I want to pursue at this time, but through several
circumstances, God has led me to try acupuncture and my first session
resulted in 5 hours of no pain and lessened pain in the next few
days. I will be going back regularly for a time and I'm hopeful that
with my dietary changes and acupuncture I will be able to heal my
back.
Here
are a few more songs that have been ministering to me.
(Laren
Daigle)
I’ve
tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your
rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face,
You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m
needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I
could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out
to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth
is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You
have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want
what You want Lord and nothing less
You
are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my
firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are
always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place
where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
When
You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You
don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t
give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I
will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I
will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise
You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I
will praise You Lord
And I can't understand
All that You
allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your
hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You
Even
when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I
feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest
valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is
shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You
Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I
will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I
cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord
And I will not
forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for
me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And
I know that You're here now
Ten
Avenue North
So
you thought you had to keep this up
All
the work that you do
So
we think that you're good
And
you can't believe it's not enough
All
the walls you built up
Are
just glass on the outside
So
let 'em fall down
There's
freedom waiting in the sound
When
you let you walls fall to the ground
We're
here now
This
is where the healing begins,
This
is where the healing starts
When
you come to where you're broken within
The
light meets the dark
Afraid
to let your secrets out
Everything
that you hid
Can
com crashing through the door now
But
too scared to face all your fear
So
you hide but you find
That
the shame won't disappear
Sparks
will fly as grace collides
With
the dark inside of us
So
please don't fight
This
coming light
Let
this blood come cover us
Hi
blood can cover us
This
is where the healing begins,
This
is where the healing starts
When
you come to where you're broken within
The
light meets the dark
Wow...over 2 years.
2017:
2018:
- Reuben gets engaged, starts a new job, working swing shift
- Reuben's fiance calls off the engagement/courtship
August - Christy & Esther enrolled full time in special ed, other school-aged children enrolled at the parent partnership program (homeshooling, but children take classes 2 - 3 days a week)
